Dear Miriam, 
I’m in my second marriage and this is even worse than my first! I can’t understand why (and how) I keep getting the same kinds of problem; money fights again and again and again!
MarieLou, 37

Dear MarieLou,

Let’s talk about the most explosive mix in every relationship: Love and money. What is it that makes the fights about money so painful and bitter? Why do fights about money issues turn into emotional volcanoes, regardless of what we’re righting about: unpaid bills, irresponsible spending, losing a job, or gambling? According to Dr. Fernard, “our behavior around money is not some disembodied psychological oddity. It is a reflection of… whole personality style, especially the style of loving.” Now, you can ask the question: Can money conflicts be resolved by financial management? Let’s see together: Are money fights simply about money? In my experience, financial solutions to not resolve the emotional issues that are at the real core of relationship problems (that then manifest themselves as money fights). One of the issues is that many relationship problems do not have a tangible equivalent, so we use money.

It seems easier to fight about money than it is to resolve the real pains and problems in significant relationships. Is it easier? Yes! Is it productive? No. Let me list several powerful demons that can sabotage our life and love:

Self deprivation

Living in debt

Compulsive spending

Compulsive gambling

Enabling money

Sabotaging personal and professional success

Having “bag lady” syndrome

All of them can be used as windows to our core, worked through, and used to help bring us to the light of self-acceptance and love. Then, we will stop (or greatly diminish) self-destructive behavior.

I hope this is an insightful initial look as to how we manifest our daily issues by not taking care of the ones at our core.

Love,
Miriam