Why Men Commit… Or Don’t

Posted August 17th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam, 
My friend was living with her boyfriend in what everyone believed to be a committed relationship for the last couple years. He could not make up his mind about marrying her. Finally, my friend chose to leave him. Guess what? In a year, the guy was married to a “stranger”, a lady out of time who he met during his business workshop, just after the split. It seems to me like a very unfair choice. What is wrong with these guys?

Sincerely,
Gladys W.

Dear Gladys,
It is quite difficult to come up with a reasonable analysis of such complicated situations, like interpersonal relationships, and in particular, figure out a proper “crisis intervention” on such a sketchy description (in other words, I can’t assess your friend’s situation without every little detail). However, let me discuss several related things we can consider on the topic: What are men looking for? It can all boil down to this quote; “I was looking for a co-pilot, not a passenger.” This came from a men’s survey, conducted by writer Susan Curin Kelly. The top three reasons for a long-term commitment (such as marriage) according to that survey are:

Love and friendship

Companionship

Sexual fulfillment

In other words, what men were saying is: I’m looking for a best friend, a trustworthy and loyal partner, with whom I can have awesome sex. Interesting, isn’t it? Men’s answers simply don’t coincide with what women believe men are looking for in a future wife, which, according to women are:

Physical beauty (including breast size and ideal weight)

Willingness to abandon, or at least postpone her career for raising a family

Willingness to do house work

Common background (religious and/or socioeconomic)

Talk about self-imposed limitations! If we want to understand these “intimate strangers”, why don’t we consider their point of view? “I wanted a best friend, a great lover, and a trusting companion. I found it, and now she’s my wife.” So far, so good. However, he could be everything you want; a great guy, a wonderful match… but, you and he do not have the same timing.

Pressures and timing may be very different for men and women, we all know this. But, keep in mind that there are many emotionally healthy and available men who are ready, able, and (boy-oh-boy, are they!) ready to commit! “Is it true,” most bewildered women find themselves asking me, “that there are some men who just will not commit?” Yes. There are some men who, for one reason or another, fall into that category (non-committers). But these things aren’t just limited to love life, and these signs are easy to spot. Would you be willing to start a business partnership with a partner like this? It is clearly dangerous to push anybody into a commitment, especially if a person is not ready. It often backfires and can destroy a relationship forever. In my opinion, it is not always, or even primarily “the committers vs. the non-committers”. We should be aware that women can also possess negative patterns or unresolved problems that can send eligible and emotionally available men running. We, too, should be ready for an honest self-assessment, constantly increasing our self-awareness and willingness to grow.

Live and own your life first. Then, you’ll find someone to share it with sooner than you think!

Love,
Miriam