Dear Miriam, 
I am 28 years old, married 6 years and considering separation. I am out of love and miserable and many of my girlfriends share the same misery… I am so discouraged. Why do we marry?
Yours,
Lena

Dear Lena,
Given current divorce statistics and the personal suffering involved, it is really a good question: Why do we marry? How many of us have heard (or said, ourselves), “It was love at first sight. He looked like my father… and something about him reminded me of my mother.” This summarizes the unconscious recognition we often experience when we meet a potential significant other. With some exceptions, this is the reason for the beginning (and often the end) of most relationships. The subconscious cause for getting married is to recapture the unconditional acceptance of early childhood. This is a fantasy!

It will never happen again… however, we know through instinct and internalization of social order (which says we can not stay with our mothers forever), that the possibility to be loved comes from our love partner. Marriage is the pot of gold at the end of childhood’s rainbow – it is a social reward for letting go of our mother. In a thousand different ways, society sends messages that we must find another love object. With each new birthday, mother does less and less for us. At each new withdrawal of mother’s overwhelming power, we resist. If grown up means being alone, who needs it?

We all do. Growing and realizing our potential is an undeniable urge. But, growth can be quite painful. When we resist growth within a marriage, it usually comes to fights over who will take care of whom, who will give in, and other baby stuff. At first, it happens to practically everyone, but many of us are just unable to pass this stage (one of the reasons for this is our unresolved and repressed childhood traumas). The conscious people who are consciously able to choose marriage as the path of growth (personal and as a couple) are the ones who get past the tough spots and grow together. Each spouse becomes a stronger individual and learns thatlife is love. But love is not romance. Love is a feeling (of course!) and a decision, and a commitment. And while feelings can ebb and flow, we may (consciously) choose to be true to our decisions and commitments, if and when we choose marriage as our journey together.

Love,
Miriam