Dear Miriam, 
…and now, because I know myself better and actually like myself more, I learned to like and love my husband again. I am married to him now, not because I have to be, but because I want to be.
Thank you,
Hope 46, married for 20 years

My Dear Friend,

That certainly is a lot of history! I am glad that you recognize that quality of your relationship and your husband has benefited from our work together. And, I know from our work that “after all this time, you still love him” and I hope that from your new perspective, you will be able to stay in this “calm ecstasy” of being together again. In this stage of marriage (the 6th, which occurs approximately from 17-20 years of being together), couples usually recognize that they “want to be together”, they want to stay married. Divorce is not an option anymore, despite some irreconcilable differences. Power is no longer an issue, winning a fight is no longer important: We learn to make compromises with ourselves instead of making them with each other.

As good as ‘together’ seems to feel, it would be very short-sighted to overlook the danger of a marriage falling apart right after enjoying a period of “rebirth”. More and more couples are divorcing after being together for more than 15 years (in 1960 this separation rate was 4%, in 1990 – over 40%). This may be because of the new freedom many people experience at this stage (with coincides with the transition into mid-life), which also helps many of us break out of marriages that have felt too confining for far too long. One of the prime triggers for divorce at this stage is the inability of one (or both) spouse(s) to stop controlling their partner. We must agree to control ourselves instead of continuing to control each other, and we usually experience quite an anger for being forced out of our controlling position. If we do not work through our anger, several different resolutions may occur:

Separation and/or divorce;

Preservation of a “poor” marriage while living in the open warfare or unresolved silent conflict (an “emotional cold war”, so to speak);

Often, people rationalize their lack of courage in seeking a clean break by worrying about a divorce harming their social standing, business, family image, or by convincing themselves that they can not afford to “give up the money involved in the marriage”. Another reason people stay in loveless relationships is their addiction to conflict and crisis – the craziness of fighting with a partner keeps them from going “even crazier”. As we can see, the most overwhelming reason why marriages break at stage six is the unwillingness of one or both partners to accept and work with change. For couples who are unable to welcome change, there are three possible outcomes at this stage:

The couple can float, enduring an unhappy marriage in quiet desperation;

They can act out volcanic needs of unresolved feelings by fighting until they are stilled only by age or death;

Get a divorce.

For those of us who are ready to approach the most essential trade off – control for intimacy – the fulfilling transition means new freedom (for years twenty and beyond), together forever. This is the time of surging personal growth: both partners are fully accepting and accepted. This is a rich reward for growing together while remaining enough of an individual to grow as your own person as well. The reward of this heart-centered journey is the blossoming happiness in your marriage.

Love,
Miriam

Dear Miriam, 
I thought it would be better in my second marriage… but now, I think if you don’t accept yourself, changing partners doesn’t make a big difference. It’s the same all over again…
Tanya, 42, unhappily married… again.

Dear Tanya,

Your letter sadly repeats the truth that many marriage and family counselors encounter again and again: No skipping allowed – the second marriage picks up where the first left off. But, let’s start from the beginning. It is a well-known fact that marriages follow a sequence of stages. When one stage is successfully resolved, we proceed to the next. If a particular stage brings a lot of unresolved conflicts into a marriage, and we are unable to resolve them ourselves (or get help and renegotiate this “marital contract”), we find ourselves wishing for divorce – and quite often getting it – only to find ourselves even more miserable in our second marriage. Divorce statistics* demonstrate this point: 50% of first – and 61% of second-marriages end up in divorce. Let’s see how this all begins.

It all starts as a fantasy. Characterized by romance, feeling exempt from all problems of every other member of the human race. Both partners try their best in carrying out the myth that their marriage is a perfect union between two not-so-perfect partners, who will be made whole and perfect by this union. This usually lasts between 1-3 years. Next; negotiation and compromise – a stage that takes up years 2-7 of a relationship. The alluring fantasy that your spouse will take care of all your needs is over. Often, the emotional power-struggle begins when two complex individuals try to be self-sufficient while maintaining close attachment to each other. You begin to negotiate and compromise: your negotiations aimed to persuade your spouse to change – in the end, leaving you resentful.

Then comes the reality struggle (years 5-10). Now, most of the fantasies are over and both of you come to realize that your spouse is not going to change much, if at all. You struggle to accept the other’s limitations, and realize that he or she cannot live up to your ideal. One of the difficulties of this stage is working toward a “shared reality”, reconciling his and her issues. Children are usually a part of the family by now. Their upbringing and additional financial issues add stress to this stage. Separate realities, as well as common reality testing and acceptance characterize significant resolution of this stage.

Decisions, decisions (years 10-15)… What would happen if you came to understand all of these realities (yours, the other’s, the neutral side), but you decide you don’t really like it that much? By now, you’ve accepted the fact that your partner is not going to change a lot. Can you live with it? Are you willing to change to stay married? You are an adult now (in or close to mid-life)… Is this marriage forever? It may be scary. You bought the new house, can you handle that mortgage? Now a baby is here, – do you really want another? Your parents need emotional support… are you ready for it? Decisions, decisions… and a lot of stress! As if this wasn’t difficult enough, the most troublesome stage of marriage is upon us (years 12-17); the stage of separation. In a nutshell: the couple either needs to split up or settle down and learn to be together again.

Love,
Miriam

* Statistics accurate at time of original publication.

Dear Miriam, 
I think I need some time alone. I need to think about the realities of my marriage…
Joyce, 42, second marriage

Dear Joyce,

The situation you are in is quite common to the fifth stage of marriage. In its most dramatic form, the stage of separation (fifth stage) means that we split or come to a new partnership. We will be together again. Years 12-17 may be the most stressing, the most troublesome, but also the most absorbing stage of marriage. It may be the most constructive too. As a result of this stage, couples evolve into an interdependent partnership with full acceptance of what their marriage is, not what they wish it could be.

This new level of reality-acceptance may unlock potentials and freedom for each partner, which come with “abandoning” control over the other’s emotions (don’t worry, it wasn’t really there!) . The spouses come to the realization that nobody can change another person, but everyone can change themselves. This stage often coincides with one or both partner’s mid-life crisis. It is a time when many of us try to redefine our lives, find some new meaning and purpose. This stage of marriage may have signs of depression and anger, and fighting may escalate; it’s hard to accept that my husband, or my wife will never be able to change to my complete satisfaction. And, as one of my female clients expressed so precisely, “I am so angry. After all these years… so much hard work – the work of changing myself… all alone, because he can’t help…” This is the stage of self-differentiation (redefining who you are) and accepting it, both inside, and outside the marriage.

This stage, which may end in divorce when fighting becomes a dead end, when spouses (one or both) stop caring about resolution, when one or both stop being involved. This stage may be the most painful of all, ending when spouses begin to discuss specific ways to change their lives, so they can stay married. There is a great comfort in knowing that your spouse cares enough to stay involved, to make the effort toward a successful resolution. And then, a couple can be “together again”, should they choose to stay married.

Consider your options!

I wish you the best,
Miriam