Monthly Archives: June 2011

The Dragon Does Not Live Here Anymore!

Dear Miriam, 
I am sick and tired of being tired, of constant dieting, of being always hungry. It seems to me that there should be a better way to live!
Lora M., 42

Dear Lora,

We need to understand what it means to be in good health, before we can regain (or maintain) wellness. The new approach to health and wellness has been evolving in our society for the last 20 years. To summarize it: our biography has become our biology. In other words, we need to realize that our state of being, our degree of wellness (or illness) is a result of our being and doing in the world. There is a direct correlation between who we are and our state of health. Let me share with you what I consider to be one of the most accurate and effective ways to explain the dynamics of illness (be it eating, shopping, sex, smoking, drinking, or any other form of addictive behavior).

From ancient mythology comes an image, an archetype of the Three-Headed Dragon, who could not be slain by cutting off just one head. All three heads must fall. Similarly to slaying the Three Headed Dragon, the battle from habitual (or addictive) behavior also consists of a three-fold approach: the first head of the dragon is the behavior (e.g. overeating), the second is the feelings we experience (our emotions on the subject), and the third is our thought process. These represent the three fold system that must be dealt with, in order to journey from illness to wellness; to slay our dragon!

Every therapist who is involved in weight control is well aware that dieting and taking pills to reduce one’s appetite is not the answer. Appetite is a psychological inclination to eat (it makes us feel like eating), but eating is a behavior – an outer manifestation of our mental and emotional state. This is why dieting is not an answer to permanent weight management. The main causes of unhealthy eating habits are stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, family and sexual problems, feelings of guilt, and self-punishment. These negative emotions are mostly unconscious. That is why I believe that the treatment for the emotional roots having to do with poor eating habits could be hypnosis and/or therapy.

The problem of overeating is mainly psychological (emotional and mental) and when the emotional causes of unhealthy eating habits are corrected through hypnotherapy and mental attitudes are changed through a combination of hypnosis and cognitive – the necessary foundation for change will be built. When we change all three aspects of our being and doing: emotional, cognitive (thinking), and behavioral (our habits), the result will be permanent: The Three Headed Dragon will never live within us, ever again!

Love,
Miriam

The Contemporary Dance of Intimacy: New Rules For New Roles

Dear Miriam,
What happened to marriage? Why is it so difficult now to be a wife?

Gloria (39 years old, 2nd time and still questions!)

 

Dear Gloria, Once upon a time, even not so long ago, magical words “I love you. Will you marry me?” gave the hope that from that moment on life would never be lonely anymore, and we would be complete – our longing for “happily ever after” would be satisfied. As all of us know, now that “happy ever-after” did not really fulfill its promise. (If you have any doubts, ask yourself  “Is (or was) my mother a happy person?”)

It is clear now that both husbands and wives, felt often that they made a bad bargain. Men were feeling overwhelmed with notions of “men’s responsibilities” of sole provider, especially in the case when his accomplishments are supposed to do for two (because she was expected to give up her needs for “direct” impact on the world and live “through him: and children).

The result was feelings of anger and resentment, acted out by men in hostile withdrawals, escape into work, TV, sports and drinking. From women’s point of view, dreams turn into nightmares rather quick. Many women could not give their needs for fulfillment away completely: wives rebellion took the form of nagging, overcontrolling, smothering, and of depression.

The “new dream,” though not a simple one, not even clearly understood by most of us who are daring to live it (because changes generally come before consciousness fully integrates them), is a dream of mature, equal, intimate partnership with our “significant other” (vs. “intimate strangers” situation that was characteristic for marriages of our parents).

Let us consider what is involved in this “new reality” of heterosexual intimate partnership that we commonly refer to as “marriage.” Many years ago Sigmund Freud pointed out on Love and Work as two major areas of human life. These two require mutual resolution if our life is to be a meaningful one. It is true now as it was then.

However, “the resolution” has a different quality because the new roles in marriage as a partnership require new rules. Work is no more an arena for men only- partly by economic necessities, partly by women choices. Love is not solely women’s territory anymore (intrigued? think about men support groups, men resource centers, men claiming, (actively!) their fatherhood, etc.)

It was Dr. Sullivan, American psychiatrist and psychologist, who defined intimacy as a special kind of relationship based on reciprocity, trust and equality. Trust based on reciprocity may be the result of love for an equal human. This kind of trust, is a result of loving an equal human as much as oneself. In other words, we can not talk about mature intimate, partnership in marriage until we have relatively actualized partners with equal power in the decision making process (which in ourculture implies equal or close to it financial power).

And it needs to be acknowledged that women’s voice in the market place has been heard for the last 20-25 years (only!!). In order for marriage to succeed (to turn from “intimate strangers” coexistence into intimate partnership) partners eventually have to examine themselves, and come to an understanding that in equalitybetween sexes, cultural gender stereotyping and mutual unmet needs projecting are the boundaries defining their “dance of intimacy”.

In our culture, that tends to produce oppressed women and repressed men, it is so convenient to nod our heads in agreement with the common sense wisdom; women want intimacy and men resist it; men want sex, and women are willing to give it in exchange for intimacy. But, is it that simple?

How couples “dance”, how they resolve the intimacy conflicts, depends on the ability of partners to tolerate closeness and distance (which in turn reflect their gender socialization movement between separation and unity with their primary caregiver, most probably mother (what is new here?? and unmet projections).

To improve the “dance of intimacy” we need the knowledge the conscious understanding of new roles and new rules in modern marriage. Without this knowledge we live in illusion, which turns to hopeless despair.

With the knowledge and understanding, we find ourselves being people in process: men and women growing together, coming to incorporate new meaning in the intimate partnership of equals, partners discovering the meaning of marriage.

Love and blessings,

Miriam