Category Archives: Commitment

When Marriage is the Client… (Part 3)

Dear Miriam,
…and now, because I know myself better and actually like myself more, I learned to like and love my husband again. I am married to him now, not because I have to be, but because I want to be.
Thank you,
Hope 46, married for 20 years

My Dear Friend,

That certainly is a lot of history! I am glad that you recognize that quality of your relationship and your husband has benefited from our work together. And, I know from our work that “after all this time, you still love him” and I hope that from your new perspective, you will be able to stay in this “calm ecstasy” of being together again. In this stage of marriage (the 6th, which occurs approximately from 17-20 years of being together), couples usually recognize that they “want to be together”, they want to stay married. Divorce is not an option anymore, despite some irreconcilable differences. Power is no longer an issue, winning a fight is no longer important: We learn to make compromises with ourselves instead of making them with each other.

As good as ‘together’ seems to feel, it would be very short-sighted to overlook the danger of a marriage falling apart right after enjoying a period of “rebirth”. More and more couples are divorcing after being together for more than 15 years (in 1960 this separation rate was 4%, in 1990 – over 40%). This may be because of the new freedom many people experience at this stage (with coincides with the transition into mid-life), which also helps many of us break out of marriages that have felt too confining for far too long. One of the prime triggers for divorce at this stage is the inability of one (or both) spouse(s) to stop controlling their partner. We must agree to control ourselves instead of continuing to control each other, and we usually experience quite an anger for being forced out of our controlling position. If we do not work through our anger, several different resolutions may occur:

Separation and/or divorce;

Preservation of a “poor” marriage while living in the open warfare or unresolved silent conflict (an “emotional cold war”, so to speak);

Often, people rationalize their lack of courage in seeking a clean break by worrying about a divorce harming their social standing, business, family image, or by convincing themselves that they can not afford to “give up the money involved in the marriage”. Another reason people stay in loveless relationships is their addiction to conflict and crisis – the craziness of fighting with a partner keeps them from going “even crazier”. As we can see, the most overwhelming reason why marriages break at stage six is the unwillingness of one or both partners to accept and work with change. For couples who are unable to welcome change, there are three possible outcomes at this stage:

The couple can float, enduring an unhappy marriage in quiet desperation;

They can act out volcanic needs of unresolved feelings by fighting until they are stilled only by age or death;

Get a divorce.

For those of us who are ready to approach the most essential trade off – control for intimacy – the fulfilling transition means new freedom (for years twenty and beyond), together forever. This is the time of surging personal growth: both partners are fully accepting and accepted. This is a rich reward for growing together while remaining enough of an individual to grow as your own person as well. The reward of this heart-centered journey is the blossoming happiness in your marriage.

Love,
Miriam

When Marriage is the Client… (Part 1)

Dear Miriam,
I thought it would be better in my second marriage… but now, I think if you don’t accept yourself, changing partners doesn’t make a big difference. It’s the same all over again…
Tanya, 42, unhappily married… again.

Dear Tanya,

Your letter sadly repeats the truth that many marriage and family counselors encounter again and again: No skipping allowed – the second marriage picks up where the first left off. But, let’s start from the beginning. It is a well-known fact that marriages follow a sequence of stages. When one stage is successfully resolved, we proceed to the next. If a particular stage brings a lot of unresolved conflicts into a marriage, and we are unable to resolve them ourselves (or get help and renegotiate this “marital contract”), we find ourselves wishing for divorce – and quite often getting it – only to find ourselves even more miserable in our second marriage. Divorce statistics* demonstrate this point: 50% of first – and 61% of second-marriages end up in divorce. Let’s see how this all begins.

It all starts as a fantasy. Characterized by romance, feeling exempt from all problems of every other member of the human race. Both partners try their best in carrying out the myth that their marriage is a perfect union between two not-so-perfect partners, who will be made whole and perfect by this union. This usually lasts between 1-3 years. Next; negotiation and compromise – a stage that takes up years 2-7 of a relationship. The alluring fantasy that your spouse will take care of all your needs is over. Often, the emotional power-struggle begins when two complex individuals try to be self-sufficient while maintaining close attachment to each other. You begin to negotiate and compromise: your negotiations aimed to persuade your spouse to change – in the end, leaving you resentful.

Then comes the reality struggle (years 5-10). Now, most of the fantasies are over and both of you come to realize that your spouse is not going to change much, if at all. You struggle to accept the other’s limitations, and realize that he or she cannot live up to your ideal. One of the difficulties of this stage is working toward a “shared reality”, reconciling his and her issues. Children are usually a part of the family by now. Their upbringing and additional financial issues add stress to this stage. Separate realities, as well as common reality testing and acceptance characterize significant resolution of this stage.

Decisions, decisions (years 10-15)… What would happen if you came to understand all of these realities (yours, the other’s, the neutral side), but you decide you don’t really like it that much? By now, you’ve accepted the fact that your partner is not going to change a lot. Can you live with it? Are you willing to change to stay married? You are an adult now (in or close to mid-life)… Is this marriage forever? It may be scary. You bought the new house, can you handle that mortgage? Now a baby is here, – do you really want another? Your parents need emotional support… are you ready for it? Decisions, decisions… and a lot of stress! As if this wasn’t difficult enough, the most troublesome stage of marriage is upon us (years 12-17); the stage of separation. In a nutshell: the couple either needs to split up or settle down and learn to be together again.

Love,
Miriam

* Statistics accurate at time of original publication.

When Marriage is the Client… (Part 2)

Dear Miriam,
I think I need some time alone. I need to think about the realities of my marriage…
Joyce, 42, second marriage

Dear Joyce,

The situation you are in is quite common to the fifth stage of marriage. In its most dramatic form, the stage of separation (fifth stage) means that we split or come to a new partnership. We will be together again. Years 12-17 may be the most stressing, the most troublesome, but also the most absorbing stage of marriage. It may be the most constructive too. As a result of this stage, couples evolve into an interdependent partnership with full acceptance of what their marriage is, not what they wish it could be.

This new level of reality-acceptance may unlock potentials and freedom for each partner, which come with “abandoning” control over the other’s emotions (don’t worry, it wasn’t really there!) . The spouses come to the realization that nobody can change another person, but everyone can change themselves. This stage often coincides with one or both partner’s mid-life crisis. It is a time when many of us try to redefine our lives, find some new meaning and purpose. This stage of marriage may have signs of depression and anger, and fighting may escalate; it’s hard to accept that my husband, or my wife will never be able to change to my complete satisfaction. And, as one of my female clients expressed so precisely, “I am so angry. After all these years… so much hard work – the work of changing myself… all alone, because he can’t help…” This is the stage of self-differentiation (redefining who you are) and accepting it, both inside, and outside the marriage.

This stage, which may end in divorce when fighting becomes a dead end, when spouses (one or both) stop caring about resolution, when one or both stop being involved. This stage may be the most painful of all, ending when spouses begin to discuss specific ways to change their lives, so they can stay married. There is a great comfort in knowing that your spouse cares enough to stay involved, to make the effort toward a successful resolution. And then, a couple can be “together again”, should they choose to stay married.

Consider your options!

I wish you the best,
Miriam

To Love And Be Loved

Dear Miriam,
When he looked at me, I felt we had known each other forever.
When our eyes met, it was like we were one person.
It was a miracle!
April, 21

Dear April,

Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal. We just know it will last forever. We believe that through this magic, we are exempt from the problems that other people have. We are definitely free from the odds that our love will eventually die. We know that we are destined to live happily ever after. But when that magic recedes… with our finest and most loving intentions, the romantic stage of love is destined to end. And then, to continue on the path of love, we need to find a personal meaning in our relationship, as well as the ability to appreciate our significant other for what he is (without a demand for him to change). To continue on the path of love, we need to know who we are. We have to figure this out, because we are limited in our understanding of other people by what we know and accept about ourselves. To continue on the path of love, eventually we must confront two other essential life questions: Where am I going, and with whom?

We need to do this because when our personal goals are blocked or we are focused only on the “with whom” (the right partner syndrome), we become attracted and infatuated, but easily detached. Dag Hammarskjold, past Secretary General of the United Nations, was referring to “real love” when he said, “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.” Coincidentally, the new field of psychoneurosexuality – defined as the study of the relationship among brain, mind, immune system, and the sexual system – asserts that a loving, monogamous, sexual relationship is the ultimate foundation for health and well-being. It allows a healing connection to our self, another person, the present moment, and a sensual awareness of our body as well as the body of another. This enhances intimate bonding, which is a biologically and genetically necessary prerequisite for human health.

Haven’t we known this all along – that to love and be loved brings a special meaning to our lives? Now, this new sophisticated science confirms the biological power of shared meaning; it shows us that our love life may court health or disease, that the power of a loving connection heals our lives and our bodies. Sometimes, it is difficult to remember, but it remains true that miracles of love can occur anywhere, at any moment. When someone shows that they care, when years of indifference or resentment disappear in a simple act of compassionate understanding, when we are changed by a simple act of love – these are miracles. The very next time you need a miracle, don’t wait for it to happen. Expect it to happen! You have the power to create it – in love!

Love,
Miriam

Why Are Men The Way They Are?

Dear Miriam,
You probably get this question all the time: Why are men the way they are?
Anonymous

First of all, this question is asked by every woman in their lives, at one time or another. For any woman who has wondered: “Why is my man the way he is?” I would suggest to think about the fact that the current trend women seem to be following is that they focus on the “symptoms” of a man’s behavior, rather than on an understanding of the roots of the problems that contemporary men are struggling with. Dr. Loren Pedersen points out in his excellent book, Dark Hearts, “Masculinity has left it’s imprint if not it’s footprint on science and philosophy in its attempt to study everything but itself.” Did you ever wonder why?

In light of what is stated above, I want to suggest that you imagine yourself as a man. Usually, women have no idea what it is like to grow up as a man in the Western cultures. We are very angry at men because we assume that growing up as a male is the same as growing up as a female, plus the privileges and perks that females don’t get. Let’s look at these assumptions a little closer; One of the problems of our culture is that both, men and women, are trained to see each other as very different than themselves – alien, incomprehensible. “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” This isn’t exactly true…

Every human being is androgynous. That simply means that each of us carries physical parts of the opposite sex with us, and (yes!!) experiences the same emotions. Unfortunately, we are taught to believe (and perceive) differently. The majority of women are trained not to see that a man experiences the same emotions as a woman (even if they rationalize them differently). As girls, we were taught that men are supposed to be in charge, even if we have clearly seen that this isn’t always the case. Boys were taught the same thing. Now, let’s imagine a man who believes he’s supposed to be in charge, but does not know how (because his experiences never actually taught him that!). He is in a relationship with a woman who is wondering the same. He cannot tell her he has no idea what to do.

There are two main reasons for this: First, he does not necessarily even understand the situation himself. (Remember: to go through experience does not necessarily mean to be conscious, to understand the meaning of it.) Second, even if he has some glimpses of his difficulties, he does not believe he is entitled to be understood: he does not believe she will make an attempt to understand. And – you know what? – he is probably right most of the time.

Again and again, women do not seem to believe that men experience the same emotions as they. They are not aloof, uncaring, cold, heartless “jerks”. They just behave the way they are taught and are expected to behave. And all this makes them very insecure and often depressed. Try to suspend your ideas that men have all the privileges, power, and control. In many ways, they do: courts, corporations, politics, etc. But, all of this is external power. They pay a high price for these privileges; a man has to prove he has all these powers:

Taller (greater strength with which to protect);

Richer (greater wealth with which to protect);

Older (greater wisdom with which to guide);

Braver (greater willingness to risk everything for his woman or beliefs);

And this is hardly the whole list! He constantly has to prove he is all these things (including taller!). Can you imagine that? Constantly.

As a result, men suffer extensively from stress and related illnesses. And (hooray!) begin to be conscious about all of these cultural “privileges”, and we therapists have the privilege of seeing more and more male clients. Of course, it is all changing, but how about our every-day lives? Try to imagine being your man. And then listen. Listen carefully and you probably will see exactly why he is the way he is.

Love and Blessings,
Miriam

Why Men Commit… Or Don’t

Posted August 17th, 2007 by livingbyintent

Dear Miriam,
My friend was living with her boyfriend in what everyone believed to be a committed relationship for the last couple years. He could not make up his mind about marrying her. Finally, my friend chose to leave him. Guess what? In a year, the guy was married to a “stranger”, a lady out of time who he met during his business workshop, just after the split. It seems to me like a very unfair choice. What is wrong with these guys?

Sincerely,
Gladys W.

Dear Gladys,
It is quite difficult to come up with a reasonable analysis of such complicated situations, like interpersonal relationships, and in particular, figure out a proper “crisis intervention” on such a sketchy description (in other words, I can’t assess your friend’s situation without every little detail). However, let me discuss several related things we can consider on the topic: What are men looking for? It can all boil down to this quote; “I was looking for a co-pilot, not a passenger.” This came from a men’s survey, conducted by writer Susan Curin Kelly. The top three reasons for a long-term commitment (such as marriage) according to that survey are:

Love and friendship

Companionship

Sexual fulfillment

In other words, what men were saying is: I’m looking for a best friend, a trustworthy and loyal partner, with whom I can have awesome sex. Interesting, isn’t it? Men’s answers simply don’t coincide with what women believe men are looking for in a future wife, which, according to women are:

Physical beauty (including breast size and ideal weight)

Willingness to abandon, or at least postpone her career for raising a family

Willingness to do house work

Common background (religious and/or socioeconomic)

Talk about self-imposed limitations! If we want to understand these “intimate strangers”, why don’t we consider their point of view? “I wanted a best friend, a great lover, and a trusting companion. I found it, and now she’s my wife.” So far, so good. However, he could be everything you want; a great guy, a wonderful match… but, you and he do not have the same timing.

Pressures and timing may be very different for men and women, we all know this. But, keep in mind that there are many emotionally healthy and available men who are ready, able, and (boy-oh-boy, are they!) ready to commit! “Is it true,” most bewildered women find themselves asking me, “that there are some men who just will not commit?” Yes. There are some men who, for one reason or another, fall into that category (non-committers). But these things aren’t just limited to love life, and these signs are easy to spot. Would you be willing to start a business partnership with a partner like this? It is clearly dangerous to push anybody into a commitment, especially if a person is not ready. It often backfires and can destroy a relationship forever. In my opinion, it is not always, or even primarily “the committers vs. the non-committers”. We should be aware that women can also possess negative patterns or unresolved problems that can send eligible and emotionally available men running. We, too, should be ready for an honest self-assessment, constantly increasing our self-awareness and willingness to grow.

Live and own your life first. Then, you’ll find someone to share it with sooner than you think!