Dear Miriam,
I keep finding myself in quite strange relationships. It is not love… it feels like obsession. Quite often, it feels awful! I never know what will happen next and I’m getting more and more unhappy with myself. Why do I do this to myself, and what is this all about?
Kelly H., 27

Dear Kelly,

Why would some women continuously get themselves into relationships that don’t bring anything but pain? Why are some of us habitual drama-seekers, consciously or unconsciously creating melodramatic experiences that are so plainly detrimental to our lives? Yes, it feels awful… but, it’s never dull. Let’s consider the nature of these dramatic experiences. First of all, many real life experiences are painfully dramatic:

Illness

Accidents

Loss of employment

Divorce

Many other experiences are joyfully dramatic:

Major professional achievements

The birth of a child

Weddings

All of these contain heightened emotions and feelings of increased aliveness. Unlike these dramatic events of our lives, the kind of drama we concern ourselves with here are MELODRAMATIC. The best example of melodrama out there is soap operas: exaggerated reactions, constant crisis, excessive emotions, constant frustration, and thrill. Some dramas, whether deliberately or unconsciously created, are extreme and self-destructive, while others are more subtle. The cumulative effects of either are equally destructive.

One of the most tragic aspects of dramatic living is that we are often unconscious of our part in creating it. It feels that our troubles and problems are out of control. We find ourselves as the helpless victim. If you suspect that living in drama is part of your life, you would probably like to know the origin of all of this drama. First, we must understand that the drive to seek various novel and complex sensations, emotions, and experiences through reasonable risk is healthy. However, for cultural reasons, many of us (especially women) learn to get involved in particular destructive “thrill” – a self-defeating drama that exhausts our energy, decreases our self-esteem and personal power, and keeps us disconnected from our deepest feelings. Instead of dealing with the pain that lays at the root of our poor self-concept, or our current life situations (deteriorating intimacy, unfulfilling relationships, meaningless jobs, etc.), we create melodrama, which conceals any possible insight. Not only this, but one of the most damaging consequences of this drama is that the conflicts and crisis prevent us from lasting intimacy in relationships. So the problem is two-fold! Another issue, the gradual decline in self-concept, affects all areas of our lives, including our careers.

In a nutshell, a life of drama is painful and self-defeating. It brings us excitement, but eventually leads to a greater agony. Do we have to choose? Does life have to be “good, but boring” OR “bad, but exciting”? Not at all. To reiterate, we all have needs for excitement. The question is: can we have it in a way that increases our self-esteem, leads to empowerment and self-actualization? When we learn to transform drama into healthy excitement, our whole image changes; our energy will increase, our self-concept and personal power will be strengthened, our ‘care’ feelings will be accessible, the intimacy in our relationships will have space to develop. You’re probably asking, “how do I get that?”

As usual, you probably already know the main steps: take responsibility for your life and actions, learn about your past and own it, forgive yourself and everyone else in your life, regardless of whether or not they deserve it, live in the moment, be aware and be grateful that you’re here!

Love,
Miriam