Category Archives: Intimacy

The Choice to Fly Solo

Dear Miriam, 
I am over 40 and… unmarried… Could there be anything worse? My mother and my whole family really believe that I am on my “way down”, and that I’ll never wear the golden band of marriage. Do I feel like a failure? Not exactly. While giving up the dream of marriage and motherhood has not been easy (or even my choice), by now I reached some “resolution” to my dilemma and created meaning and purpose in my own life. I am sure I am not the only one…Could you please address the “problem” of being single in midlife? I hope it will be of interest to many. 
Sylvia, 40+

Dear Sylvia

Being a single woman in mid-life, “flying solo”, where culture seems to mandate marriage and motherhood… I am not sure I know anyone who chooses to revolutionize the institution of marriage. In fact, most of us would welcome a union with a man we could love and respect, all things being equal. Why do we find it so hard to fly while married?

We are brought up to believe that a married woman must accommodate every need of her husband and children. Although the women’s movement acknowledges the idea that we should be allowed to have our career as well, beliefs persist that we should somehow manage these careers without disrupting the structure of traditional marriage. Maintaining “equality for all” within a marriage today remains a difficult task, the task which some couples can manage, but many cannot, while many of us don’t mind accommodating themselves to family priorities, others desire and require more space, control, and freedom than traditional marriage can provide. We are coming to the realization that not all women have the same needs, wants, and desires for independence and this opens the possibility of true choice.

“Fish has to swim, birds have to fly.” Woman has to bend or the relationship has to die. Our culture (and our own belief system) still raise the question: Is living single a valid choice or an unhealthy defense mechanism? We need to (consciously!) ask ourselves: “What would I be willing to give up to be in a full-time, committed relationship?” Single women who have given up the dream and the mandate of marriage and motherhood often say that the crucial step was to recognize that they have been making choices all along that have contributed to their finding themselves single in midlife. We own our choices in spite of the fact that we find it hard to acknowledge, even to ourselves, the significance of the choice. We still secretly fear that there is “something wrong with us” if we feel ambivalent about pursuing the dream.

Women who find themselves “successfully single” in midlife have arrived at that “destination” from very different roads. Some of us have always wanted to work, have creative and professional careers that we could not give up – even for the dream. For those of us who have never married, the prince may have never appeared. Half of us got divorced, whether we wanted to or not. But all of us, one way or another, came to the realization that true adulthood and emancipation begins with making our choices, in our heart and soul.

The real step toward “flying solo” is to accept who you are enough to stop worrying about how you are going to look or how you can impress others. Only then can the new story begin… not the easiest one, but definitely one worth living.

Love,
Miriam

Is Marriage Obsolete?

Dear Miriam, 
Don’t you think that any institution with a 51% failure rate on the first attempt and a 64%(!) failure rate on the second try needs a radical change? These are the statistics of divorce rates! Is marriage going out of style? If not marriage, then what?
Gail, 28

Dear Gail,

I am not sure that I (or anybody else) can solve this problem: marry, don’t marry, remarry. I am not even sure if marriage is going out of style or obsolete. But, I am sure that our quest for happiness has changed substantially. It is about experiencing fulfillment and meaning in our lives NOW, not when we’ll find the right partner. Actually, for the very first time in our cultural history, simplicity is not considered to be a preferred life-style, and it is not difficult to see why: for too many of us, the dream of being happily married has turned into nightmares of our relationships deteriorating.

For every happily married client I can think of, I can name at least ten who complain about their husbands – or worse yet, bear the scars (physical and/or emotional) of a bad marriage and don’t open their mouths at all. In my counseling office, I see women who have become fearful of driving, afraid to be home alone, don’t know how to balance a checkbook (or even write a check!), women who seemed perfectly sensible before marriage, and who were branded as “incapable” by their husbands, and then by themselves. Many of us “nice ladies”, for whom singledom was the only way to marriage, have never been “conscious singles”. We lived for “happily ever after”… or did we live at all?

We all have heard from that divorced friend: “I was dying to marry and have children.” Is it only a figure of speech? Or maybe it is a testimony of an “unlived life”? We all have what we are capable of having right now, given who we are. Paradoxically, what we are is the reason we do not have what we want. Stubbornly, we want what we want without having to change who we are… but that is impossible! What we need is ourselves, our lost wholeness. We need to regain our missing self. And this is always a journey, and it is much easier to start when we are single. And because we are not being our ‘Whole Self’, whether we marry or not, we’re not living “happily every after”.

I invite you to think about your life. Are your days (and nights) spent doing things that are meaningful and make you smile? Are you happy? If not, what would you like to change?

Love,
Miriam

The statistics in this article reflect the separation rate at the time of original publication.

The Contemporary Dance of Intimacy: New Rules For New Roles

Dear Miriam,
What happened to marriage? Why is it so difficult now to be a wife?

Gloria (39 years old, 2nd time and still questions!)

 

Dear Gloria, Once upon a time, even not so long ago, magical words “I love you. Will you marry me?” gave the hope that from that moment on life would never be lonely anymore, and we would be complete – our longing for “happily ever after” would be satisfied. As all of us know, now that “happy ever-after” did not really fulfill its promise. (If you have any doubts, ask yourself  “Is (or was) my mother a happy person?”)

It is clear now that both husbands and wives, felt often that they made a bad bargain. Men were feeling overwhelmed with notions of “men’s responsibilities” of sole provider, especially in the case when his accomplishments are supposed to do for two (because she was expected to give up her needs for “direct” impact on the world and live “through him: and children).

The result was feelings of anger and resentment, acted out by men in hostile withdrawals, escape into work, TV, sports and drinking. From women’s point of view, dreams turn into nightmares rather quick. Many women could not give their needs for fulfillment away completely: wives rebellion took the form of nagging, overcontrolling, smothering, and of depression.

The “new dream,” though not a simple one, not even clearly understood by most of us who are daring to live it (because changes generally come before consciousness fully integrates them), is a dream of mature, equal, intimate partnership with our “significant other” (vs. “intimate strangers” situation that was characteristic for marriages of our parents).

Let us consider what is involved in this “new reality” of heterosexual intimate partnership that we commonly refer to as “marriage.” Many years ago Sigmund Freud pointed out on Love and Work as two major areas of human life. These two require mutual resolution if our life is to be a meaningful one. It is true now as it was then.

However, “the resolution” has a different quality because the new roles in marriage as a partnership require new rules. Work is no more an arena for men only- partly by economic necessities, partly by women choices. Love is not solely women’s territory anymore (intrigued? think about men support groups, men resource centers, men claiming, (actively!) their fatherhood, etc.)

It was Dr. Sullivan, American psychiatrist and psychologist, who defined intimacy as a special kind of relationship based on reciprocity, trust and equality. Trust based on reciprocity may be the result of love for an equal human. This kind of trust, is a result of loving an equal human as much as oneself. In other words, we can not talk about mature intimate, partnership in marriage until we have relatively actualized partners with equal power in the decision making process (which in ourculture implies equal or close to it financial power).

And it needs to be acknowledged that women’s voice in the market place has been heard for the last 20-25 years (only!!). In order for marriage to succeed (to turn from “intimate strangers” coexistence into intimate partnership) partners eventually have to examine themselves, and come to an understanding that in equalitybetween sexes, cultural gender stereotyping and mutual unmet needs projecting are the boundaries defining their “dance of intimacy”.

In our culture, that tends to produce oppressed women and repressed men, it is so convenient to nod our heads in agreement with the common sense wisdom; women want intimacy and men resist it; men want sex, and women are willing to give it in exchange for intimacy. But, is it that simple?

How couples “dance”, how they resolve the intimacy conflicts, depends on the ability of partners to tolerate closeness and distance (which in turn reflect their gender socialization movement between separation and unity with their primary caregiver, most probably mother (what is new here?? and unmet projections).

To improve the “dance of intimacy” we need the knowledge the conscious understanding of new roles and new rules in modern marriage. Without this knowledge we live in illusion, which turns to hopeless despair.

With the knowledge and understanding, we find ourselves being people in process: men and women growing together, coming to incorporate new meaning in the intimate partnership of equals, partners discovering the meaning of marriage.

Love and blessings,

Miriam

Real Love or Romantic Infatuation?

Dear Miriam, 
I am 28 years old and am in a committed relationship, but I am not completely sure if this is “real love” or just a romantic infatuation…
MC.

Dear MC,

It is not always easy to know quickly enough in the beginning stages of a relationship. However, some guidelines can be offered. Margaret Anderson, who was a well-known publisher, once said that “in real love, you want the other’s good. In romantic love, you want the other person.” In other words, romantic love has an element of sexual excitement. When you are together, it usually ends in intimacy. True love is not based on sex. It is the growth of friendship which makes sex so much more meaningful and, if you will, blissful. Passion does not have the confidence and trust that love has. Love is trust. You feel calm and secure. You feel connected.

Passion might involve you in things you may regret, but love will never lead you in the wrong direction. True love brings the best out of you; it elevates you, it lifts you, and you become better for it. Romantic love, passion, and infatuation have their ebb and flow, their ups and downs. We commonly refer to these experiences as “falling in love”. Dr. Gray’s notion that true love has it’s seasons seems very relevant here. In ‘spring’, we feel we will be blissfully happy forever. This resembles romantic love. Everything seems perfect, effortless, and harmonious. The difference comes in the ‘summer’ of love. In this time, we suddenly realize that we are not happy all the time. We realize that our beloved is human (not some God or Goddess). It is not what we believed love was like. We realize we need to put effort into a relationship. And this is the hard work of self-discovery, expanding our awareness and practicing self-discipline.

Following the notion of the “seasons of love”, we can say that ‘autumn’ of love brings both, the harvest of understanding and acceptance (of yourself and of your partner). This is a time of joy and fulfillment of mature love. And then, the ‘winter’ of love comes. Feeling secure in our primary relationship, we – all of the sudden – experience our unresolved pain. This is the time of personal growth, when we need to re-experience and embrace the pains and “necessary losses” of life. This is when we need to work on our personal growth. After healing ourselves through the ‘winter’ of love, we emerge once more into the ‘spring’ of love, with new hopes and new possibilities. Once the new springtime of love comes, we find ourselves ready to open our hearts once more to the blessings of life, to a successful relationship with ourselves and our partner; You will continue to grow in love.

Love and blessings on your journey,
Miriam

Moving On From Melodrama

Dear Miriam,
I keep finding myself in quite strange relationships. It is not love… it feels like obsession. Quite often, it feels awful! I never know what will happen next and I’m getting more and more unhappy with myself. Why do I do this to myself, and what is this all about?
Kelly H., 27

Dear Kelly,

Why would some women continuously get themselves into relationships that don’t bring anything but pain? Why are some of us habitual drama-seekers, consciously or unconsciously creating melodramatic experiences that are so plainly detrimental to our lives? Yes, it feels awful… but, it’s never dull. Let’s consider the nature of these dramatic experiences. First of all, many real life experiences are painfully dramatic:

Illness

Accidents

Loss of employment

Divorce

Many other experiences are joyfully dramatic:

Major professional achievements

The birth of a child

Weddings

All of these contain heightened emotions and feelings of increased aliveness. Unlike these dramatic events of our lives, the kind of drama we concern ourselves with here are MELODRAMATIC. The best example of melodrama out there is soap operas: exaggerated reactions, constant crisis, excessive emotions, constant frustration, and thrill. Some dramas, whether deliberately or unconsciously created, are extreme and self-destructive, while others are more subtle. The cumulative effects of either are equally destructive.

One of the most tragic aspects of dramatic living is that we are often unconscious of our part in creating it. It feels that our troubles and problems are out of control. We find ourselves as the helpless victim. If you suspect that living in drama is part of your life, you would probably like to know the origin of all of this drama. First, we must understand that the drive to seek various novel and complex sensations, emotions, and experiences through reasonable risk is healthy. However, for cultural reasons, many of us (especially women) learn to get involved in particular destructive “thrill” – a self-defeating drama that exhausts our energy, decreases our self-esteem and personal power, and keeps us disconnected from our deepest feelings. Instead of dealing with the pain that lays at the root of our poor self-concept, or our current life situations (deteriorating intimacy, unfulfilling relationships, meaningless jobs, etc.), we create melodrama, which conceals any possible insight. Not only this, but one of the most damaging consequences of this drama is that the conflicts and crisis prevent us from lasting intimacy in relationships. So the problem is two-fold! Another issue, the gradual decline in self-concept, affects all areas of our lives, including our careers.

In a nutshell, a life of drama is painful and self-defeating. It brings us excitement, but eventually leads to a greater agony. Do we have to choose? Does life have to be “good, but boring” OR “bad, but exciting”? Not at all. To reiterate, we all have needs for excitement. The question is: can we have it in a way that increases our self-esteem, leads to empowerment and self-actualization? When we learn to transform drama into healthy excitement, our whole image changes; our energy will increase, our self-concept and personal power will be strengthened, our ‘care’ feelings will be accessible, the intimacy in our relationships will have space to develop. You’re probably asking, “how do I get that?”

As usual, you probably already know the main steps: take responsibility for your life and actions, learn about your past and own it, forgive yourself and everyone else in your life, regardless of whether or not they deserve it, live in the moment, be aware and be grateful that you’re here!

Love,
Miriam