Category Archives: Marriage

Is Marriage Obsolete?

Dear Miriam, 
Don’t you think that any institution with a 51% failure rate on the first attempt and a 64%(!) failure rate on the second try needs a radical change? These are the statistics of divorce rates! Is marriage going out of style? If not marriage, then what?
Gail, 28

Dear Gail,

I am not sure that I (or anybody else) can solve this problem: marry, don’t marry, remarry. I am not even sure if marriage is going out of style or obsolete. But, I am sure that our quest for happiness has changed substantially. It is about experiencing fulfillment and meaning in our lives NOW, not when we’ll find the right partner. Actually, for the very first time in our cultural history, simplicity is not considered to be a preferred life-style, and it is not difficult to see why: for too many of us, the dream of being happily married has turned into nightmares of our relationships deteriorating.

For every happily married client I can think of, I can name at least ten who complain about their husbands – or worse yet, bear the scars (physical and/or emotional) of a bad marriage and don’t open their mouths at all. In my counseling office, I see women who have become fearful of driving, afraid to be home alone, don’t know how to balance a checkbook (or even write a check!), women who seemed perfectly sensible before marriage, and who were branded as “incapable” by their husbands, and then by themselves. Many of us “nice ladies”, for whom singledom was the only way to marriage, have never been “conscious singles”. We lived for “happily ever after”… or did we live at all?

We all have heard from that divorced friend: “I was dying to marry and have children.” Is it only a figure of speech? Or maybe it is a testimony of an “unlived life”? We all have what we are capable of having right now, given who we are. Paradoxically, what we are is the reason we do not have what we want. Stubbornly, we want what we want without having to change who we are… but that is impossible! What we need is ourselves, our lost wholeness. We need to regain our missing self. And this is always a journey, and it is much easier to start when we are single. And because we are not being our ‘Whole Self’, whether we marry or not, we’re not living “happily every after”.

I invite you to think about your life. Are your days (and nights) spent doing things that are meaningful and make you smile? Are you happy? If not, what would you like to change?

Love,
Miriam

The statistics in this article reflect the separation rate at the time of original publication.

The Contemporary Dance of Intimacy: New Rules For New Roles

Dear Miriam,
What happened to marriage? Why is it so difficult now to be a wife?

Gloria (39 years old, 2nd time and still questions!)

 

Dear Gloria, Once upon a time, even not so long ago, magical words “I love you. Will you marry me?” gave the hope that from that moment on life would never be lonely anymore, and we would be complete – our longing for “happily ever after” would be satisfied. As all of us know, now that “happy ever-after” did not really fulfill its promise. (If you have any doubts, ask yourself  “Is (or was) my mother a happy person?”)

It is clear now that both husbands and wives, felt often that they made a bad bargain. Men were feeling overwhelmed with notions of “men’s responsibilities” of sole provider, especially in the case when his accomplishments are supposed to do for two (because she was expected to give up her needs for “direct” impact on the world and live “through him: and children).

The result was feelings of anger and resentment, acted out by men in hostile withdrawals, escape into work, TV, sports and drinking. From women’s point of view, dreams turn into nightmares rather quick. Many women could not give their needs for fulfillment away completely: wives rebellion took the form of nagging, overcontrolling, smothering, and of depression.

The “new dream,” though not a simple one, not even clearly understood by most of us who are daring to live it (because changes generally come before consciousness fully integrates them), is a dream of mature, equal, intimate partnership with our “significant other” (vs. “intimate strangers” situation that was characteristic for marriages of our parents).

Let us consider what is involved in this “new reality” of heterosexual intimate partnership that we commonly refer to as “marriage.” Many years ago Sigmund Freud pointed out on Love and Work as two major areas of human life. These two require mutual resolution if our life is to be a meaningful one. It is true now as it was then.

However, “the resolution” has a different quality because the new roles in marriage as a partnership require new rules. Work is no more an arena for men only- partly by economic necessities, partly by women choices. Love is not solely women’s territory anymore (intrigued? think about men support groups, men resource centers, men claiming, (actively!) their fatherhood, etc.)

It was Dr. Sullivan, American psychiatrist and psychologist, who defined intimacy as a special kind of relationship based on reciprocity, trust and equality. Trust based on reciprocity may be the result of love for an equal human. This kind of trust, is a result of loving an equal human as much as oneself. In other words, we can not talk about mature intimate, partnership in marriage until we have relatively actualized partners with equal power in the decision making process (which in ourculture implies equal or close to it financial power).

And it needs to be acknowledged that women’s voice in the market place has been heard for the last 20-25 years (only!!). In order for marriage to succeed (to turn from “intimate strangers” coexistence into intimate partnership) partners eventually have to examine themselves, and come to an understanding that in equalitybetween sexes, cultural gender stereotyping and mutual unmet needs projecting are the boundaries defining their “dance of intimacy”.

In our culture, that tends to produce oppressed women and repressed men, it is so convenient to nod our heads in agreement with the common sense wisdom; women want intimacy and men resist it; men want sex, and women are willing to give it in exchange for intimacy. But, is it that simple?

How couples “dance”, how they resolve the intimacy conflicts, depends on the ability of partners to tolerate closeness and distance (which in turn reflect their gender socialization movement between separation and unity with their primary caregiver, most probably mother (what is new here?? and unmet projections).

To improve the “dance of intimacy” we need the knowledge the conscious understanding of new roles and new rules in modern marriage. Without this knowledge we live in illusion, which turns to hopeless despair.

With the knowledge and understanding, we find ourselves being people in process: men and women growing together, coming to incorporate new meaning in the intimate partnership of equals, partners discovering the meaning of marriage.

Love and blessings,

Miriam

The Reality of Divorce

“She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after.” – The New Yorker Magazine, 1993

Does that sound like a fairy tail to you? Or maybe the near future? Do you know that half of our marriages each year are remarriages? Divorce and remarriage are as much a part of our reality today as the first-marriages and single life. Maybe it is time to realize that marriage and family are no longer synonymous: remarriage data* shows that within five years of divorce, about 90% of men and 80% of women marry again. Maybe it is time for all of us to accept the reality: If divorce cannot be avoided, it is wiser to accept it as one way to end unhappiness in marriage and then put our effort into keeping “divorced” parts of a family functional for the children involved; because the real consequences of any divorce affect them the most.

In this decade [1990’s], well over 50% of our children are, or will be a part of a divorce family. If we, as a society, are able to accept the reality and stop to see it as something pathological, these children would not be stigmatized, which in turn, would not negatively impact their sense of worth and security; their self-esteem, the foundation of all human activity, would not turn into self-doubt. In any divorce counseling, the question that should be addressed among the first is: “How can we, as parents, get through this process (from the decision to divorce, through the separation stage to the legal finalization of divorce to, hopefully, a new, bi-nuclear family structure) without destroying the present and future lives of our children?

In relationship counseling, it is often said that everyone we know would prefer to resolve things in a functional love relationship, than to dissolve them. It is often assumed that if a relationship crisis may be resolved without a divorce, that everyone will benefit. How can relationship counseling help to resolve the crisis? Let me list several ways which may be quite helpful for relationship problem resolution:

To formulate the current problem(s) clearly so that they may be deliberated upon – by voicing all the relevant concerns and contributing issues, and then presenting them in such a way as to pose the matter in the clearest possible terms.

To help clients (both individually, and as a couple) to see to it that due consideration is given to the points of view of everyone involved in this conflict – spouse, children, and any other significant persons. Even intelligent and sensitive people with the best intentions may suffer from “blind spots” that allow them to make excessive and unfair demands. Then, they are honestly surprised when their expectations provoke hostile reactions.

To direct attention to the consequences of their possible choices. It pays to emphasize not only the consequences of a particular action, but also equally real consequences of a particular inner, psychological action. We often forget that psychological decisions have definite effects on the conscious lives we live.

To encourage the dialogue between couples in counseling (versus two “unrelated” monologues that keep the couple stuck in an unproductive exchange). This dialogue is a form of exchange that involves formulating and maintaining one’s point of view, while being able to understand another.

All of the above can help establish communication and create a possibility of working through differences. If and when relationship counseling can not solve a crisis, usually the healthy, reality-conscious divorce decision follows: Spouses make a decision to end the marriage, but preserve the functional aspects of family, especially aspects concerning children.

We’re looking at obvious and alternative solutions, recognizing the reality of different and common grounds with the goal to create a mutually acceptable agreement of understanding in which life position of everyone involved is spelled clearly and honored in its own rights; mutually exclusive interests are acknowledged and possible solutions listed; children’s right to mother and father acknowledged and preserved to the fullest. We all understand that when that difficult decision is made, it is not the end of the process. It is the beginning of integrating a divorce into a new chapter of life. Hopefully, with a few lessons learned and a little less hostility, acceptance of the inevitable can come smoothly, so that we may forgive ourselves and each other. What do you think?

Love and blessings,
Miriam

When Marriage is the Client… (Part 3)

Dear Miriam, 
…and now, because I know myself better and actually like myself more, I learned to like and love my husband again. I am married to him now, not because I have to be, but because I want to be.
Thank you,
Hope 46, married for 20 years

My Dear Friend,

That certainly is a lot of history! I am glad that you recognize that quality of your relationship and your husband has benefited from our work together. And, I know from our work that “after all this time, you still love him” and I hope that from your new perspective, you will be able to stay in this “calm ecstasy” of being together again. In this stage of marriage (the 6th, which occurs approximately from 17-20 years of being together), couples usually recognize that they “want to be together”, they want to stay married. Divorce is not an option anymore, despite some irreconcilable differences. Power is no longer an issue, winning a fight is no longer important: We learn to make compromises with ourselves instead of making them with each other.

As good as ‘together’ seems to feel, it would be very short-sighted to overlook the danger of a marriage falling apart right after enjoying a period of “rebirth”. More and more couples are divorcing after being together for more than 15 years (in 1960 this separation rate was 4%, in 1990 – over 40%). This may be because of the new freedom many people experience at this stage (with coincides with the transition into mid-life), which also helps many of us break out of marriages that have felt too confining for far too long. One of the prime triggers for divorce at this stage is the inability of one (or both) spouse(s) to stop controlling their partner. We must agree to control ourselves instead of continuing to control each other, and we usually experience quite an anger for being forced out of our controlling position. If we do not work through our anger, several different resolutions may occur:

Separation and/or divorce;

Preservation of a “poor” marriage while living in the open warfare or unresolved silent conflict (an “emotional cold war”, so to speak);

Often, people rationalize their lack of courage in seeking a clean break by worrying about a divorce harming their social standing, business, family image, or by convincing themselves that they can not afford to “give up the money involved in the marriage”. Another reason people stay in loveless relationships is their addiction to conflict and crisis – the craziness of fighting with a partner keeps them from going “even crazier”. As we can see, the most overwhelming reason why marriages break at stage six is the unwillingness of one or both partners to accept and work with change. For couples who are unable to welcome change, there are three possible outcomes at this stage:

The couple can float, enduring an unhappy marriage in quiet desperation;

They can act out volcanic needs of unresolved feelings by fighting until they are stilled only by age or death;

Get a divorce.

For those of us who are ready to approach the most essential trade off – control for intimacy – the fulfilling transition means new freedom (for years twenty and beyond), together forever. This is the time of surging personal growth: both partners are fully accepting and accepted. This is a rich reward for growing together while remaining enough of an individual to grow as your own person as well. The reward of this heart-centered journey is the blossoming happiness in your marriage.

Love,
Miriam

When Marriage is the Client… (Part 1)

Dear Miriam, 
I thought it would be better in my second marriage… but now, I think if you don’t accept yourself, changing partners doesn’t make a big difference. It’s the same all over again…
Tanya, 42, unhappily married… again.

Dear Tanya,

Your letter sadly repeats the truth that many marriage and family counselors encounter again and again: No skipping allowed – the second marriage picks up where the first left off. But, let’s start from the beginning. It is a well-known fact that marriages follow a sequence of stages. When one stage is successfully resolved, we proceed to the next. If a particular stage brings a lot of unresolved conflicts into a marriage, and we are unable to resolve them ourselves (or get help and renegotiate this “marital contract”), we find ourselves wishing for divorce – and quite often getting it – only to find ourselves even more miserable in our second marriage. Divorce statistics* demonstrate this point: 50% of first – and 61% of second-marriages end up in divorce. Let’s see how this all begins.

It all starts as a fantasy. Characterized by romance, feeling exempt from all problems of every other member of the human race. Both partners try their best in carrying out the myth that their marriage is a perfect union between two not-so-perfect partners, who will be made whole and perfect by this union. This usually lasts between 1-3 years. Next; negotiation and compromise – a stage that takes up years 2-7 of a relationship. The alluring fantasy that your spouse will take care of all your needs is over. Often, the emotional power-struggle begins when two complex individuals try to be self-sufficient while maintaining close attachment to each other. You begin to negotiate and compromise: your negotiations aimed to persuade your spouse to change – in the end, leaving you resentful.

Then comes the reality struggle (years 5-10). Now, most of the fantasies are over and both of you come to realize that your spouse is not going to change much, if at all. You struggle to accept the other’s limitations, and realize that he or she cannot live up to your ideal. One of the difficulties of this stage is working toward a “shared reality”, reconciling his and her issues. Children are usually a part of the family by now. Their upbringing and additional financial issues add stress to this stage. Separate realities, as well as common reality testing and acceptance characterize significant resolution of this stage.

Decisions, decisions (years 10-15)… What would happen if you came to understand all of these realities (yours, the other’s, the neutral side), but you decide you don’t really like it that much? By now, you’ve accepted the fact that your partner is not going to change a lot. Can you live with it? Are you willing to change to stay married? You are an adult now (in or close to mid-life)… Is this marriage forever? It may be scary. You bought the new house, can you handle that mortgage? Now a baby is here, – do you really want another? Your parents need emotional support… are you ready for it? Decisions, decisions… and a lot of stress! As if this wasn’t difficult enough, the most troublesome stage of marriage is upon us (years 12-17); the stage of separation. In a nutshell: the couple either needs to split up or settle down and learn to be together again.

Love,
Miriam

* Statistics accurate at time of original publication.

When Marriage is the Client… (Part 2)

Dear Miriam, 
I think I need some time alone. I need to think about the realities of my marriage…
Joyce, 42, second marriage

Dear Joyce,

The situation you are in is quite common to the fifth stage of marriage. In its most dramatic form, the stage of separation (fifth stage) means that we split or come to a new partnership. We will be together again. Years 12-17 may be the most stressing, the most troublesome, but also the most absorbing stage of marriage. It may be the most constructive too. As a result of this stage, couples evolve into an interdependent partnership with full acceptance of what their marriage is, not what they wish it could be.

This new level of reality-acceptance may unlock potentials and freedom for each partner, which come with “abandoning” control over the other’s emotions (don’t worry, it wasn’t really there!) . The spouses come to the realization that nobody can change another person, but everyone can change themselves. This stage often coincides with one or both partner’s mid-life crisis. It is a time when many of us try to redefine our lives, find some new meaning and purpose. This stage of marriage may have signs of depression and anger, and fighting may escalate; it’s hard to accept that my husband, or my wife will never be able to change to my complete satisfaction. And, as one of my female clients expressed so precisely, “I am so angry. After all these years… so much hard work – the work of changing myself… all alone, because he can’t help…” This is the stage of self-differentiation (redefining who you are) and accepting it, both inside, and outside the marriage.

This stage, which may end in divorce when fighting becomes a dead end, when spouses (one or both) stop caring about resolution, when one or both stop being involved. This stage may be the most painful of all, ending when spouses begin to discuss specific ways to change their lives, so they can stay married. There is a great comfort in knowing that your spouse cares enough to stay involved, to make the effort toward a successful resolution. And then, a couple can be “together again”, should they choose to stay married.

Consider your options!

I wish you the best,
Miriam