Category Archives: Relationships

The Contemporary Dance of Intimacy: New Rules For New Roles

Dear Miriam,
What happened to marriage? Why is it so difficult now to be a wife?

Gloria (39 years old, 2nd time and still questions!)

 

Dear Gloria, Once upon a time, even not so long ago, magical words “I love you. Will you marry me?” gave the hope that from that moment on life would never be lonely anymore, and we would be complete – our longing for “happily ever after” would be satisfied. As all of us know, now that “happy ever-after” did not really fulfill its promise. (If you have any doubts, ask yourself  “Is (or was) my mother a happy person?”)

It is clear now that both husbands and wives, felt often that they made a bad bargain. Men were feeling overwhelmed with notions of “men’s responsibilities” of sole provider, especially in the case when his accomplishments are supposed to do for two (because she was expected to give up her needs for “direct” impact on the world and live “through him: and children).

The result was feelings of anger and resentment, acted out by men in hostile withdrawals, escape into work, TV, sports and drinking. From women’s point of view, dreams turn into nightmares rather quick. Many women could not give their needs for fulfillment away completely: wives rebellion took the form of nagging, overcontrolling, smothering, and of depression.

The “new dream,” though not a simple one, not even clearly understood by most of us who are daring to live it (because changes generally come before consciousness fully integrates them), is a dream of mature, equal, intimate partnership with our “significant other” (vs. “intimate strangers” situation that was characteristic for marriages of our parents).

Let us consider what is involved in this “new reality” of heterosexual intimate partnership that we commonly refer to as “marriage.” Many years ago Sigmund Freud pointed out on Love and Work as two major areas of human life. These two require mutual resolution if our life is to be a meaningful one. It is true now as it was then.

However, “the resolution” has a different quality because the new roles in marriage as a partnership require new rules. Work is no more an arena for men only- partly by economic necessities, partly by women choices. Love is not solely women’s territory anymore (intrigued? think about men support groups, men resource centers, men claiming, (actively!) their fatherhood, etc.)

It was Dr. Sullivan, American psychiatrist and psychologist, who defined intimacy as a special kind of relationship based on reciprocity, trust and equality. Trust based on reciprocity may be the result of love for an equal human. This kind of trust, is a result of loving an equal human as much as oneself. In other words, we can not talk about mature intimate, partnership in marriage until we have relatively actualized partners with equal power in the decision making process (which in ourculture implies equal or close to it financial power).

And it needs to be acknowledged that women’s voice in the market place has been heard for the last 20-25 years (only!!). In order for marriage to succeed (to turn from “intimate strangers” coexistence into intimate partnership) partners eventually have to examine themselves, and come to an understanding that in equalitybetween sexes, cultural gender stereotyping and mutual unmet needs projecting are the boundaries defining their “dance of intimacy”.

In our culture, that tends to produce oppressed women and repressed men, it is so convenient to nod our heads in agreement with the common sense wisdom; women want intimacy and men resist it; men want sex, and women are willing to give it in exchange for intimacy. But, is it that simple?

How couples “dance”, how they resolve the intimacy conflicts, depends on the ability of partners to tolerate closeness and distance (which in turn reflect their gender socialization movement between separation and unity with their primary caregiver, most probably mother (what is new here?? and unmet projections).

To improve the “dance of intimacy” we need the knowledge the conscious understanding of new roles and new rules in modern marriage. Without this knowledge we live in illusion, which turns to hopeless despair.

With the knowledge and understanding, we find ourselves being people in process: men and women growing together, coming to incorporate new meaning in the intimate partnership of equals, partners discovering the meaning of marriage.

Love and blessings,

Miriam

The Reality of Divorce

“She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after.” – The New Yorker Magazine, 1993

Does that sound like a fairy tail to you? Or maybe the near future? Do you know that half of our marriages each year are remarriages? Divorce and remarriage are as much a part of our reality today as the first-marriages and single life. Maybe it is time to realize that marriage and family are no longer synonymous: remarriage data* shows that within five years of divorce, about 90% of men and 80% of women marry again. Maybe it is time for all of us to accept the reality: If divorce cannot be avoided, it is wiser to accept it as one way to end unhappiness in marriage and then put our effort into keeping “divorced” parts of a family functional for the children involved; because the real consequences of any divorce affect them the most.

In this decade [1990’s], well over 50% of our children are, or will be a part of a divorce family. If we, as a society, are able to accept the reality and stop to see it as something pathological, these children would not be stigmatized, which in turn, would not negatively impact their sense of worth and security; their self-esteem, the foundation of all human activity, would not turn into self-doubt. In any divorce counseling, the question that should be addressed among the first is: “How can we, as parents, get through this process (from the decision to divorce, through the separation stage to the legal finalization of divorce to, hopefully, a new, bi-nuclear family structure) without destroying the present and future lives of our children?

In relationship counseling, it is often said that everyone we know would prefer to resolve things in a functional love relationship, than to dissolve them. It is often assumed that if a relationship crisis may be resolved without a divorce, that everyone will benefit. How can relationship counseling help to resolve the crisis? Let me list several ways which may be quite helpful for relationship problem resolution:

To formulate the current problem(s) clearly so that they may be deliberated upon – by voicing all the relevant concerns and contributing issues, and then presenting them in such a way as to pose the matter in the clearest possible terms.

To help clients (both individually, and as a couple) to see to it that due consideration is given to the points of view of everyone involved in this conflict – spouse, children, and any other significant persons. Even intelligent and sensitive people with the best intentions may suffer from “blind spots” that allow them to make excessive and unfair demands. Then, they are honestly surprised when their expectations provoke hostile reactions.

To direct attention to the consequences of their possible choices. It pays to emphasize not only the consequences of a particular action, but also equally real consequences of a particular inner, psychological action. We often forget that psychological decisions have definite effects on the conscious lives we live.

To encourage the dialogue between couples in counseling (versus two “unrelated” monologues that keep the couple stuck in an unproductive exchange). This dialogue is a form of exchange that involves formulating and maintaining one’s point of view, while being able to understand another.

All of the above can help establish communication and create a possibility of working through differences. If and when relationship counseling can not solve a crisis, usually the healthy, reality-conscious divorce decision follows: Spouses make a decision to end the marriage, but preserve the functional aspects of family, especially aspects concerning children.

We’re looking at obvious and alternative solutions, recognizing the reality of different and common grounds with the goal to create a mutually acceptable agreement of understanding in which life position of everyone involved is spelled clearly and honored in its own rights; mutually exclusive interests are acknowledged and possible solutions listed; children’s right to mother and father acknowledged and preserved to the fullest. We all understand that when that difficult decision is made, it is not the end of the process. It is the beginning of integrating a divorce into a new chapter of life. Hopefully, with a few lessons learned and a little less hostility, acceptance of the inevitable can come smoothly, so that we may forgive ourselves and each other. What do you think?

Love and blessings,
Miriam

When Marriage is the Client… (Part 3)

Dear Miriam, 
…and now, because I know myself better and actually like myself more, I learned to like and love my husband again. I am married to him now, not because I have to be, but because I want to be.
Thank you,
Hope 46, married for 20 years

My Dear Friend,

That certainly is a lot of history! I am glad that you recognize that quality of your relationship and your husband has benefited from our work together. And, I know from our work that “after all this time, you still love him” and I hope that from your new perspective, you will be able to stay in this “calm ecstasy” of being together again. In this stage of marriage (the 6th, which occurs approximately from 17-20 years of being together), couples usually recognize that they “want to be together”, they want to stay married. Divorce is not an option anymore, despite some irreconcilable differences. Power is no longer an issue, winning a fight is no longer important: We learn to make compromises with ourselves instead of making them with each other.

As good as ‘together’ seems to feel, it would be very short-sighted to overlook the danger of a marriage falling apart right after enjoying a period of “rebirth”. More and more couples are divorcing after being together for more than 15 years (in 1960 this separation rate was 4%, in 1990 – over 40%). This may be because of the new freedom many people experience at this stage (with coincides with the transition into mid-life), which also helps many of us break out of marriages that have felt too confining for far too long. One of the prime triggers for divorce at this stage is the inability of one (or both) spouse(s) to stop controlling their partner. We must agree to control ourselves instead of continuing to control each other, and we usually experience quite an anger for being forced out of our controlling position. If we do not work through our anger, several different resolutions may occur:

Separation and/or divorce;

Preservation of a “poor” marriage while living in the open warfare or unresolved silent conflict (an “emotional cold war”, so to speak);

Often, people rationalize their lack of courage in seeking a clean break by worrying about a divorce harming their social standing, business, family image, or by convincing themselves that they can not afford to “give up the money involved in the marriage”. Another reason people stay in loveless relationships is their addiction to conflict and crisis – the craziness of fighting with a partner keeps them from going “even crazier”. As we can see, the most overwhelming reason why marriages break at stage six is the unwillingness of one or both partners to accept and work with change. For couples who are unable to welcome change, there are three possible outcomes at this stage:

The couple can float, enduring an unhappy marriage in quiet desperation;

They can act out volcanic needs of unresolved feelings by fighting until they are stilled only by age or death;

Get a divorce.

For those of us who are ready to approach the most essential trade off – control for intimacy – the fulfilling transition means new freedom (for years twenty and beyond), together forever. This is the time of surging personal growth: both partners are fully accepting and accepted. This is a rich reward for growing together while remaining enough of an individual to grow as your own person as well. The reward of this heart-centered journey is the blossoming happiness in your marriage.

Love,
Miriam

When Marriage is the Client… (Part 1)

Dear Miriam, 
I thought it would be better in my second marriage… but now, I think if you don’t accept yourself, changing partners doesn’t make a big difference. It’s the same all over again…
Tanya, 42, unhappily married… again.

Dear Tanya,

Your letter sadly repeats the truth that many marriage and family counselors encounter again and again: No skipping allowed – the second marriage picks up where the first left off. But, let’s start from the beginning. It is a well-known fact that marriages follow a sequence of stages. When one stage is successfully resolved, we proceed to the next. If a particular stage brings a lot of unresolved conflicts into a marriage, and we are unable to resolve them ourselves (or get help and renegotiate this “marital contract”), we find ourselves wishing for divorce – and quite often getting it – only to find ourselves even more miserable in our second marriage. Divorce statistics* demonstrate this point: 50% of first – and 61% of second-marriages end up in divorce. Let’s see how this all begins.

It all starts as a fantasy. Characterized by romance, feeling exempt from all problems of every other member of the human race. Both partners try their best in carrying out the myth that their marriage is a perfect union between two not-so-perfect partners, who will be made whole and perfect by this union. This usually lasts between 1-3 years. Next; negotiation and compromise – a stage that takes up years 2-7 of a relationship. The alluring fantasy that your spouse will take care of all your needs is over. Often, the emotional power-struggle begins when two complex individuals try to be self-sufficient while maintaining close attachment to each other. You begin to negotiate and compromise: your negotiations aimed to persuade your spouse to change – in the end, leaving you resentful.

Then comes the reality struggle (years 5-10). Now, most of the fantasies are over and both of you come to realize that your spouse is not going to change much, if at all. You struggle to accept the other’s limitations, and realize that he or she cannot live up to your ideal. One of the difficulties of this stage is working toward a “shared reality”, reconciling his and her issues. Children are usually a part of the family by now. Their upbringing and additional financial issues add stress to this stage. Separate realities, as well as common reality testing and acceptance characterize significant resolution of this stage.

Decisions, decisions (years 10-15)… What would happen if you came to understand all of these realities (yours, the other’s, the neutral side), but you decide you don’t really like it that much? By now, you’ve accepted the fact that your partner is not going to change a lot. Can you live with it? Are you willing to change to stay married? You are an adult now (in or close to mid-life)… Is this marriage forever? It may be scary. You bought the new house, can you handle that mortgage? Now a baby is here, – do you really want another? Your parents need emotional support… are you ready for it? Decisions, decisions… and a lot of stress! As if this wasn’t difficult enough, the most troublesome stage of marriage is upon us (years 12-17); the stage of separation. In a nutshell: the couple either needs to split up or settle down and learn to be together again.

Love,
Miriam

* Statistics accurate at time of original publication.

When Marriage is the Client… (Part 2)

Dear Miriam, 
I think I need some time alone. I need to think about the realities of my marriage…
Joyce, 42, second marriage

Dear Joyce,

The situation you are in is quite common to the fifth stage of marriage. In its most dramatic form, the stage of separation (fifth stage) means that we split or come to a new partnership. We will be together again. Years 12-17 may be the most stressing, the most troublesome, but also the most absorbing stage of marriage. It may be the most constructive too. As a result of this stage, couples evolve into an interdependent partnership with full acceptance of what their marriage is, not what they wish it could be.

This new level of reality-acceptance may unlock potentials and freedom for each partner, which come with “abandoning” control over the other’s emotions (don’t worry, it wasn’t really there!) . The spouses come to the realization that nobody can change another person, but everyone can change themselves. This stage often coincides with one or both partner’s mid-life crisis. It is a time when many of us try to redefine our lives, find some new meaning and purpose. This stage of marriage may have signs of depression and anger, and fighting may escalate; it’s hard to accept that my husband, or my wife will never be able to change to my complete satisfaction. And, as one of my female clients expressed so precisely, “I am so angry. After all these years… so much hard work – the work of changing myself… all alone, because he can’t help…” This is the stage of self-differentiation (redefining who you are) and accepting it, both inside, and outside the marriage.

This stage, which may end in divorce when fighting becomes a dead end, when spouses (one or both) stop caring about resolution, when one or both stop being involved. This stage may be the most painful of all, ending when spouses begin to discuss specific ways to change their lives, so they can stay married. There is a great comfort in knowing that your spouse cares enough to stay involved, to make the effort toward a successful resolution. And then, a couple can be “together again”, should they choose to stay married.

Consider your options!

I wish you the best,
Miriam

Real Love or Romantic Infatuation?

Dear Miriam, 
I am 28 years old and am in a committed relationship, but I am not completely sure if this is “real love” or just a romantic infatuation…
MC.

Dear MC,

It is not always easy to know quickly enough in the beginning stages of a relationship. However, some guidelines can be offered. Margaret Anderson, who was a well-known publisher, once said that “in real love, you want the other’s good. In romantic love, you want the other person.” In other words, romantic love has an element of sexual excitement. When you are together, it usually ends in intimacy. True love is not based on sex. It is the growth of friendship which makes sex so much more meaningful and, if you will, blissful. Passion does not have the confidence and trust that love has. Love is trust. You feel calm and secure. You feel connected.

Passion might involve you in things you may regret, but love will never lead you in the wrong direction. True love brings the best out of you; it elevates you, it lifts you, and you become better for it. Romantic love, passion, and infatuation have their ebb and flow, their ups and downs. We commonly refer to these experiences as “falling in love”. Dr. Gray’s notion that true love has it’s seasons seems very relevant here. In ‘spring’, we feel we will be blissfully happy forever. This resembles romantic love. Everything seems perfect, effortless, and harmonious. The difference comes in the ‘summer’ of love. In this time, we suddenly realize that we are not happy all the time. We realize that our beloved is human (not some God or Goddess). It is not what we believed love was like. We realize we need to put effort into a relationship. And this is the hard work of self-discovery, expanding our awareness and practicing self-discipline.

Following the notion of the “seasons of love”, we can say that ‘autumn’ of love brings both, the harvest of understanding and acceptance (of yourself and of your partner). This is a time of joy and fulfillment of mature love. And then, the ‘winter’ of love comes. Feeling secure in our primary relationship, we – all of the sudden – experience our unresolved pain. This is the time of personal growth, when we need to re-experience and embrace the pains and “necessary losses” of life. This is when we need to work on our personal growth. After healing ourselves through the ‘winter’ of love, we emerge once more into the ‘spring’ of love, with new hopes and new possibilities. Once the new springtime of love comes, we find ourselves ready to open our hearts once more to the blessings of life, to a successful relationship with ourselves and our partner; You will continue to grow in love.

Love and blessings on your journey,
Miriam

Why Do We Marry?

Dear Miriam, 
I am 28 years old, married 6 years and considering separation. I am out of love and miserable and many of my girlfriends share the same misery… I am so discouraged. Why do we marry?
Yours,
Lena

Dear Lena,
Given current divorce statistics and the personal suffering involved, it is really a good question: Why do we marry? How many of us have heard (or said, ourselves), “It was love at first sight. He looked like my father… and something about him reminded me of my mother.” This summarizes the unconscious recognition we often experience when we meet a potential significant other. With some exceptions, this is the reason for the beginning (and often the end) of most relationships. The subconscious cause for getting married is to recapture the unconditional acceptance of early childhood. This is a fantasy!

It will never happen again… however, we know through instinct and internalization of social order (which says we can not stay with our mothers forever), that the possibility to be loved comes from our love partner. Marriage is the pot of gold at the end of childhood’s rainbow – it is a social reward for letting go of our mother. In a thousand different ways, society sends messages that we must find another love object. With each new birthday, mother does less and less for us. At each new withdrawal of mother’s overwhelming power, we resist. If grown up means being alone, who needs it?

We all do. Growing and realizing our potential is an undeniable urge. But, growth can be quite painful. When we resist growth within a marriage, it usually comes to fights over who will take care of whom, who will give in, and other baby stuff. At first, it happens to practically everyone, but many of us are just unable to pass this stage (one of the reasons for this is our unresolved and repressed childhood traumas). The conscious people who are consciously able to choose marriage as the path of growth (personal and as a couple) are the ones who get past the tough spots and grow together. Each spouse becomes a stronger individual and learns thatlife is love. But love is not romance. Love is a feeling (of course!) and a decision, and a commitment. And while feelings can ebb and flow, we may (consciously) choose to be true to our decisions and commitments, if and when we choose marriage as our journey together.

Love,
Miriam

To Love And Be Loved

Dear Miriam, 
When he looked at me, I felt we had known each other forever.
When our eyes met, it was like we were one person.
It was a miracle!
April, 21

Dear April,

Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal. We just know it will last forever. We believe that through this magic, we are exempt from the problems that other people have. We are definitely free from the odds that our love will eventually die. We know that we are destined to live happily ever after. But when that magic recedes… with our finest and most loving intentions, the romantic stage of love is destined to end. And then, to continue on the path of love, we need to find a personal meaning in our relationship, as well as the ability to appreciate our significant other for what he is (without a demand for him to change). To continue on the path of love, we need to know who we are. We have to figure this out, because we are limited in our understanding of other people by what we know and accept about ourselves. To continue on the path of love, eventually we must confront two other essential life questions: Where am I going, and with whom?

We need to do this because when our personal goals are blocked or we are focused only on the “with whom” (the right partner syndrome), we become attracted and infatuated, but easily detached. Dag Hammarskjold, past Secretary General of the United Nations, was referring to “real love” when he said, “It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.” Coincidentally, the new field of psychoneurosexuality – defined as the study of the relationship among brain, mind, immune system, and the sexual system – asserts that a loving, monogamous, sexual relationship is the ultimate foundation for health and well-being. It allows a healing connection to our self, another person, the present moment, and a sensual awareness of our body as well as the body of another. This enhances intimate bonding, which is a biologically and genetically necessary prerequisite for human health.

Haven’t we known this all along – that to love and be loved brings a special meaning to our lives? Now, this new sophisticated science confirms the biological power of shared meaning; it shows us that our love life may court health or disease, that the power of a loving connection heals our lives and our bodies. Sometimes, it is difficult to remember, but it remains true that miracles of love can occur anywhere, at any moment. When someone shows that they care, when years of indifference or resentment disappear in a simple act of compassionate understanding, when we are changed by a simple act of love – these are miracles. The very next time you need a miracle, don’t wait for it to happen. Expect it to happen! You have the power to create it – in love!

Love,
Miriam

What Happened To The Woman I Loved?

Dear Miriam, 
I feel quite odd writing this letter. You probably don’t receive a lot of letters from men. But, I want to express something that I am sure a lot of us wonder about: Where is the woman I fell for? How has something that started out so great turned into a loveless (and sexless) marriage?
B.G., 34, Married 6 (LONG) years…

Dear B.G., 
Let us talk about love, sex, and communication. “Where is the woman I feel for? What happened to the woman I loved?” Essentially, you both cry, “You’re not what I expected!” After many, many hours of counseling couples (both, married and unmarried), I am still amused that in almost every case, both man and woman are looking for the same intimate connection and love, but don’t see it. Why do we not see that our partners have the same needs and desires as we? Because the natural ways of going about meeting these needs are quite different. You’re probably too familiar with the old cliché “for a woman to feel sex, she needs love. For a man to feel love, he needs sex.” Did you ever wonder why that is? To summarize; for women, the primary way of connecting is through sharing and communication. For men, the primary way of connecting is through action and creation; thus, making love.

It would take too much time to explore why and how these differences come to be, but we can all see that times have changed. The traditional methods of relation that we’ve learned from our parents are now counterproductive. Our parents couldn’t teach us “new rules”, because that generation still played out the traditional male and female roles. We need to learn these “new rules” of relation, rules that define new roles! A husband who “brings home the bacon”, or a wife who maintains a nice home and takes care of the kids – these things are no longer enough to create a lasting, fulfilling relationship. There is a new way to understand and communicate that offers a way of creating and sustaining loving and fulfilling relationships; we can celebrate our differences in love and with love. It is much easier and much more enjoyable than to live in a loveless home.

In the words of Dr. Viscott, “The best of all things is to belong to a family. To come home… and simply be let in, to be each other’s.”

Love and Blessings,
Miriam

Men Are From Mars, Women From Venus… What on Earth Do We Do About It?

Dear Miriam, 
TV or no TV? How we spend our time together became the focus of mine and my husband’s constant disagreement. Even coming home after work is becoming a disappointment.
Julia K.

Dear Julia,

You’ll probably be surprised to know that countless couples passionately debate this TV issue: He watches and likes TV, it is his relaxation time. She doesn’t watch and criticizes it as a waste of time, time that could be spent together. Conflicts about leisure time may give us a wide open and new view of the vast differences between sexes. Men and women. Different. Intimate strangers. Why? Some popular theories come from the assumption that because a woman is the primary caregiver in infancy, boys and girls will be forever different. Men will develop an opposition to a mother, while women identify with mothers. This is a primary reason why men and women perceive the world differently and react accordingly.

Dr. John Gray (New York Times best-selling author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and several other books on “the art of loving an alien being”) says that the key to maintaining a successful relationship lies in understanding and accepting our differences. We need to be aware of the fact that men and women have different emotional needs, they communicate differently, cope with stress differently… maybe, instead of fighting it, we could try to appreciate our differences. This will open the opportunity of respectful(!) negotiations. We will be able to choose not to follow the road leading from intimate strangers to intimate enemies in our relationships. Often, the road less travelled is the one that leads you to an intimate friendship!

Love,
Miriam