Dear Miriam,
You probably get this question all the time: Why are men the way they are?
Anonymous
First of all, this question is asked by every woman in their lives, at one time or another. For any woman who has wondered: “Why is my man the way he is?” I would suggest to think about the fact that the current trend women seem to be following is that they focus on the “symptoms” of a man’s behavior, rather than on an understanding of the roots of the problems that contemporary men are struggling with. Dr. Loren Pedersen points out in his excellent book, Dark Hearts, “Masculinity has left it’s imprint if not it’s footprint on science and philosophy in its attempt to study everything but itself.” Did you ever wonder why?
In light of what is stated above, I want to suggest that you imagine yourself as a man. Usually, women have no idea what it is like to grow up as a man in the Western cultures. We are very angry at men because we assume that growing up as a male is the same as growing up as a female, plus the privileges and perks that females don’t get. Let’s look at these assumptions a little closer; One of the problems of our culture is that both, men and women, are trained to see each other as very different than themselves – alien, incomprehensible. “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.” This isn’t exactly true…
Every human being is androgynous. That simply means that each of us carries physical parts of the opposite sex with us, and (yes!!) experiences the same emotions. Unfortunately, we are taught to believe (and perceive) differently. The majority of women are trained not to see that a man experiences the same emotions as a woman (even if they rationalize them differently). As girls, we were taught that men are supposed to be in charge, even if we have clearly seen that this isn’t always the case. Boys were taught the same thing. Now, let’s imagine a man who believes he’s supposed to be in charge, but does not know how (because his experiences never actually taught him that!). He is in a relationship with a woman who is wondering the same. He cannot tell her he has no idea what to do.
There are two main reasons for this: First, he does not necessarily even understand the situation himself. (Remember: to go through experience does not necessarily mean to be conscious, to understand the meaning of it.) Second, even if he has some glimpses of his difficulties, he does not believe he is entitled to be understood: he does not believe she will make an attempt to understand. And – you know what? – he is probably right most of the time.
Again and again, women do not seem to believe that men experience the same emotions as they. They are not aloof, uncaring, cold, heartless “jerks”. They just behave the way they are taught and are expected to behave. And all this makes them very insecure and often depressed. Try to suspend your ideas that men have all the privileges, power, and control. In many ways, they do: courts, corporations, politics, etc. But, all of this is external power. They pay a high price for these privileges; a man has to prove he has all these powers:
Taller (greater strength with which to protect);
Richer (greater wealth with which to protect);
Older (greater wisdom with which to guide);
Braver (greater willingness to risk everything for his woman or beliefs);
And this is hardly the whole list! He constantly has to prove he is all these things (including taller!). Can you imagine that? Constantly.
As a result, men suffer extensively from stress and related illnesses. And (hooray!) begin to be conscious about all of these cultural “privileges”, and we therapists have the privilege of seeing more and more male clients. Of course, it is all changing, but how about our every-day lives? Try to imagine being your man. And then listen. Listen carefully and you probably will see exactly why he is the way he is.
Love and Blessings,
Miriam