Dear Miriam, 
I am over 40 and… unmarried… Could there be anything worse? My mother and my whole family really believe that I am on my “way down”, and that I’ll never wear the golden band of marriage. Do I feel like a failure? Not exactly. While giving up the dream of marriage and motherhood has not been easy (or even my choice), by now I reached some “resolution” to my dilemma and created meaning and purpose in my own life. I am sure I am not the only one…Could you please address the “problem” of being single in midlife? I hope it will be of interest to many. 
Sylvia, 40+

Dear Sylvia

Being a single woman in mid-life, “flying solo”, where culture seems to mandate marriage and motherhood… I am not sure I know anyone who chooses to revolutionize the institution of marriage. In fact, most of us would welcome a union with a man we could love and respect, all things being equal. Why do we find it so hard to fly while married?

We are brought up to believe that a married woman must accommodate every need of her husband and children. Although the women’s movement acknowledges the idea that we should be allowed to have our career as well, beliefs persist that we should somehow manage these careers without disrupting the structure of traditional marriage. Maintaining “equality for all” within a marriage today remains a difficult task, the task which some couples can manage, but many cannot, while many of us don’t mind accommodating themselves to family priorities, others desire and require more space, control, and freedom than traditional marriage can provide. We are coming to the realization that not all women have the same needs, wants, and desires for independence and this opens the possibility of true choice.

“Fish has to swim, birds have to fly.” Woman has to bend or the relationship has to die. Our culture (and our own belief system) still raise the question: Is living single a valid choice or an unhealthy defense mechanism? We need to (consciously!) ask ourselves: “What would I be willing to give up to be in a full-time, committed relationship?” Single women who have given up the dream and the mandate of marriage and motherhood often say that the crucial step was to recognize that they have been making choices all along that have contributed to their finding themselves single in midlife. We own our choices in spite of the fact that we find it hard to acknowledge, even to ourselves, the significance of the choice. We still secretly fear that there is “something wrong with us” if we feel ambivalent about pursuing the dream.

Women who find themselves “successfully single” in midlife have arrived at that “destination” from very different roads. Some of us have always wanted to work, have creative and professional careers that we could not give up – even for the dream. For those of us who have never married, the prince may have never appeared. Half of us got divorced, whether we wanted to or not. But all of us, one way or another, came to the realization that true adulthood and emancipation begins with making our choices, in our heart and soul.

The real step toward “flying solo” is to accept who you are enough to stop worrying about how you are going to look or how you can impress others. Only then can the new story begin… not the easiest one, but definitely one worth living.

Love,
Miriam