To Open Your Heart to Life, Open Your Mind to Healing

Dear Miriam, 
Why do some problems continue to reappear in my life and love relationships despite my best efforts to solve them?
Sincerely,
Hope

Dear Hope,

Have you ever heard the expression, “We get in life not what we want, but what we expect”? The difference being that our wants are conscious, while our expectations are not. Ken Keyes – an internationally known personal growth leader – said that problems lie in the lack of coordination between the conscious and the unconscious mind. To transform our lives, we need to synchronize conscious and unconscious; achieve the state of harmonious consciousness in which conscious and unconscious needs may and will coexist harmoniously. This will open up a possibility to conscious living, in a new sense of the word – where your conscious and unconscious can really communicate. Until we learn this skillful way to respond to life’s events, we’ll continue to ruin our lives, repeating the same destructive patterns again and again.

It is apparent that we must heal the childhood wounds. Nothing (including best intentions) works when we have deep childhood wounds that reside in the unconscious. Our rational mind has not the faintest idea about the existence of these traumas. Often, we even do not have any childhood memories, which usually means that we manage to repress quite a bit. These unconscious “hot buttons” constantly interfere with the intentions and effectiveness of our conscious, rational mind, destroy our intimate relationships and our self-esteem, and can sometimes lead to a depression.

In a nutshell, whatever we repress becomes a time bomb, ready for explosion whenever people in our current life “fit” the unconscious mind’s perception of those who wounded us originally.

I hope this sheds some light on your current problems.

Love,
Miriam

I Can Do Anything… If Only I Knew What!

Dear Miriam, 
When I see a person who is passionate about her life, who has found her “place” in life, the world seems quite unfair to me. How did she get so lucky? Why not me?
It seems to me I’ll do anything to have the life I love.
Truly yours,
Lana

Dear Lana,

You want a life you love. “To have the life you want, create the work you love.” “Follow your bliss.” “Do what you love, the money will follow,” pursue your heart’s desire – Joseph Cambell, Dr. Jarow, Marsha Sinefar, Dr. Hilda Lee Dale (and many others) seem to know what you should be doing: you should be doing what you love. And I mean LOVE, not just what you are skilled at.

I do not believe we live a life we love by doing what we “can” – we love it by doing what we want to do and love to do. What we love is what we are gifted at. People (who are no different than you and I!) who know what they want are ones who accomplish the great things in our world.

A study completed in the 80’s by Harvard psychologists showed that people who consider themselves “happy” have two things in common. What do you think it is? Money? Success? In fact, they knew what they wanted and they felt that they were doing something toward accomplishing it. That is what makes life worth living: when it has direction and meaning. But if you don’t know what you want… well, you are not alone. Almost 98 percent of Americans are “unhappy” with their jobs. And one of two main reasons that keep them stuck is: they don’t know what to do instead (of course, the second major reason is financial concerns).

Isn’t it interesting that what you have thought was your “personal problem” is so common? Let me share something with you. You know what you want. You feel that there is “your work” that you are meant to be doing. This is why you feel so unhappy when you can’t do it. There are two major reasons why many of us cannot formulate to ourselves what we want; the good one and the bad one.

The good one: We have so many options to choose from. It is a definite success of our culture that many of us have the freedom to look for our life’s work. This freedom is an incredible gift and an incredible responsibility. It compels us to expand our consciousness, to create our own goals, and in short, to own our lives.

The “bad” reason: The fact that we don’t know what we want is due to an inner conflict preventing us from being fully conscious about “our heart’s desires”. One of my major focuses in creative career counseling is to help expand my clients’ awareness, to bring into consciousness the nature of their internal conflicts, and then to help them get beyond it. When we see together the general meaning of the conflict, you’ll be helped to select the strategy of action that will bring you to resolve your particular kind of conflict. And then, you begin to discover your own path, your heart’s desire: the work of your life.

In the very near future, all of us – like it or not – are going to face a question: “What do I want to do?” All career development consultants are telling us that the direction of the future is clear – we are going to be a nation of experts, consultants, and entrepreneurs that work at home and are hired on a job-by-job basis according to our expertise. Those of us who are willing to develop what we love into the work of our life – and create a niche of excellence – will be at the forefront of this cultural change. Creating the work you love is a major challenge and a major commitment of your life journey.

Love,
Miriam

The Choice to Fly Solo

Dear Miriam, 
I am over 40 and… unmarried… Could there be anything worse? My mother and my whole family really believe that I am on my “way down”, and that I’ll never wear the golden band of marriage. Do I feel like a failure? Not exactly. While giving up the dream of marriage and motherhood has not been easy (or even my choice), by now I reached some “resolution” to my dilemma and created meaning and purpose in my own life. I am sure I am not the only one…Could you please address the “problem” of being single in midlife? I hope it will be of interest to many. 
Sylvia, 40+

Dear Sylvia

Being a single woman in mid-life, “flying solo”, where culture seems to mandate marriage and motherhood… I am not sure I know anyone who chooses to revolutionize the institution of marriage. In fact, most of us would welcome a union with a man we could love and respect, all things being equal. Why do we find it so hard to fly while married?

We are brought up to believe that a married woman must accommodate every need of her husband and children. Although the women’s movement acknowledges the idea that we should be allowed to have our career as well, beliefs persist that we should somehow manage these careers without disrupting the structure of traditional marriage. Maintaining “equality for all” within a marriage today remains a difficult task, the task which some couples can manage, but many cannot, while many of us don’t mind accommodating themselves to family priorities, others desire and require more space, control, and freedom than traditional marriage can provide. We are coming to the realization that not all women have the same needs, wants, and desires for independence and this opens the possibility of true choice.

“Fish has to swim, birds have to fly.” Woman has to bend or the relationship has to die. Our culture (and our own belief system) still raise the question: Is living single a valid choice or an unhealthy defense mechanism? We need to (consciously!) ask ourselves: “What would I be willing to give up to be in a full-time, committed relationship?” Single women who have given up the dream and the mandate of marriage and motherhood often say that the crucial step was to recognize that they have been making choices all along that have contributed to their finding themselves single in midlife. We own our choices in spite of the fact that we find it hard to acknowledge, even to ourselves, the significance of the choice. We still secretly fear that there is “something wrong with us” if we feel ambivalent about pursuing the dream.

Women who find themselves “successfully single” in midlife have arrived at that “destination” from very different roads. Some of us have always wanted to work, have creative and professional careers that we could not give up – even for the dream. For those of us who have never married, the prince may have never appeared. Half of us got divorced, whether we wanted to or not. But all of us, one way or another, came to the realization that true adulthood and emancipation begins with making our choices, in our heart and soul.

The real step toward “flying solo” is to accept who you are enough to stop worrying about how you are going to look or how you can impress others. Only then can the new story begin… not the easiest one, but definitely one worth living.

Love,
Miriam

Is Marriage Obsolete?

Dear Miriam, 
Don’t you think that any institution with a 51% failure rate on the first attempt and a 64%(!) failure rate on the second try needs a radical change? These are the statistics of divorce rates! Is marriage going out of style? If not marriage, then what?
Gail, 28

Dear Gail,

I am not sure that I (or anybody else) can solve this problem: marry, don’t marry, remarry. I am not even sure if marriage is going out of style or obsolete. But, I am sure that our quest for happiness has changed substantially. It is about experiencing fulfillment and meaning in our lives NOW, not when we’ll find the right partner. Actually, for the very first time in our cultural history, simplicity is not considered to be a preferred life-style, and it is not difficult to see why: for too many of us, the dream of being happily married has turned into nightmares of our relationships deteriorating.

For every happily married client I can think of, I can name at least ten who complain about their husbands – or worse yet, bear the scars (physical and/or emotional) of a bad marriage and don’t open their mouths at all. In my counseling office, I see women who have become fearful of driving, afraid to be home alone, don’t know how to balance a checkbook (or even write a check!), women who seemed perfectly sensible before marriage, and who were branded as “incapable” by their husbands, and then by themselves. Many of us “nice ladies”, for whom singledom was the only way to marriage, have never been “conscious singles”. We lived for “happily ever after”… or did we live at all?

We all have heard from that divorced friend: “I was dying to marry and have children.” Is it only a figure of speech? Or maybe it is a testimony of an “unlived life”? We all have what we are capable of having right now, given who we are. Paradoxically, what we are is the reason we do not have what we want. Stubbornly, we want what we want without having to change who we are… but that is impossible! What we need is ourselves, our lost wholeness. We need to regain our missing self. And this is always a journey, and it is much easier to start when we are single. And because we are not being our ‘Whole Self’, whether we marry or not, we’re not living “happily every after”.

I invite you to think about your life. Are your days (and nights) spent doing things that are meaningful and make you smile? Are you happy? If not, what would you like to change?

Love,
Miriam

The statistics in this article reflect the separation rate at the time of original publication.

The Dragon Does Not Live Here Anymore!

Dear Miriam, 
I am sick and tired of being tired, of constant dieting, of being always hungry. It seems to me that there should be a better way to live!
Lora M., 42

Dear Lora,

We need to understand what it means to be in good health, before we can regain (or maintain) wellness. The new approach to health and wellness has been evolving in our society for the last 20 years. To summarize it: our biography has become our biology. In other words, we need to realize that our state of being, our degree of wellness (or illness) is a result of our being and doing in the world. There is a direct correlation between who we are and our state of health. Let me share with you what I consider to be one of the most accurate and effective ways to explain the dynamics of illness (be it eating, shopping, sex, smoking, drinking, or any other form of addictive behavior).

From ancient mythology comes an image, an archetype of the Three-Headed Dragon, who could not be slain by cutting off just one head. All three heads must fall. Similarly to slaying the Three Headed Dragon, the battle from habitual (or addictive) behavior also consists of a three-fold approach: the first head of the dragon is the behavior (e.g. overeating), the second is the feelings we experience (our emotions on the subject), and the third is our thought process. These represent the three fold system that must be dealt with, in order to journey from illness to wellness; to slay our dragon!

Every therapist who is involved in weight control is well aware that dieting and taking pills to reduce one’s appetite is not the answer. Appetite is a psychological inclination to eat (it makes us feel like eating), but eating is a behavior – an outer manifestation of our mental and emotional state. This is why dieting is not an answer to permanent weight management. The main causes of unhealthy eating habits are stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, family and sexual problems, feelings of guilt, and self-punishment. These negative emotions are mostly unconscious. That is why I believe that the treatment for the emotional roots having to do with poor eating habits could be hypnosis and/or therapy.

The problem of overeating is mainly psychological (emotional and mental) and when the emotional causes of unhealthy eating habits are corrected through hypnotherapy and mental attitudes are changed through a combination of hypnosis and cognitive – the necessary foundation for change will be built. When we change all three aspects of our being and doing: emotional, cognitive (thinking), and behavioral (our habits), the result will be permanent: The Three Headed Dragon will never live within us, ever again!

Love,
Miriam

The Contemporary Dance of Intimacy: New Rules For New Roles

Dear Miriam,
What happened to marriage? Why is it so difficult now to be a wife?

Gloria (39 years old, 2nd time and still questions!)

 

Dear Gloria, Once upon a time, even not so long ago, magical words “I love you. Will you marry me?” gave the hope that from that moment on life would never be lonely anymore, and we would be complete – our longing for “happily ever after” would be satisfied. As all of us know, now that “happy ever-after” did not really fulfill its promise. (If you have any doubts, ask yourself  “Is (or was) my mother a happy person?”)

It is clear now that both husbands and wives, felt often that they made a bad bargain. Men were feeling overwhelmed with notions of “men’s responsibilities” of sole provider, especially in the case when his accomplishments are supposed to do for two (because she was expected to give up her needs for “direct” impact on the world and live “through him: and children).

The result was feelings of anger and resentment, acted out by men in hostile withdrawals, escape into work, TV, sports and drinking. From women’s point of view, dreams turn into nightmares rather quick. Many women could not give their needs for fulfillment away completely: wives rebellion took the form of nagging, overcontrolling, smothering, and of depression.

The “new dream,” though not a simple one, not even clearly understood by most of us who are daring to live it (because changes generally come before consciousness fully integrates them), is a dream of mature, equal, intimate partnership with our “significant other” (vs. “intimate strangers” situation that was characteristic for marriages of our parents).

Let us consider what is involved in this “new reality” of heterosexual intimate partnership that we commonly refer to as “marriage.” Many years ago Sigmund Freud pointed out on Love and Work as two major areas of human life. These two require mutual resolution if our life is to be a meaningful one. It is true now as it was then.

However, “the resolution” has a different quality because the new roles in marriage as a partnership require new rules. Work is no more an arena for men only- partly by economic necessities, partly by women choices. Love is not solely women’s territory anymore (intrigued? think about men support groups, men resource centers, men claiming, (actively!) their fatherhood, etc.)

It was Dr. Sullivan, American psychiatrist and psychologist, who defined intimacy as a special kind of relationship based on reciprocity, trust and equality. Trust based on reciprocity may be the result of love for an equal human. This kind of trust, is a result of loving an equal human as much as oneself. In other words, we can not talk about mature intimate, partnership in marriage until we have relatively actualized partners with equal power in the decision making process (which in ourculture implies equal or close to it financial power).

And it needs to be acknowledged that women’s voice in the market place has been heard for the last 20-25 years (only!!). In order for marriage to succeed (to turn from “intimate strangers” coexistence into intimate partnership) partners eventually have to examine themselves, and come to an understanding that in equalitybetween sexes, cultural gender stereotyping and mutual unmet needs projecting are the boundaries defining their “dance of intimacy”.

In our culture, that tends to produce oppressed women and repressed men, it is so convenient to nod our heads in agreement with the common sense wisdom; women want intimacy and men resist it; men want sex, and women are willing to give it in exchange for intimacy. But, is it that simple?

How couples “dance”, how they resolve the intimacy conflicts, depends on the ability of partners to tolerate closeness and distance (which in turn reflect their gender socialization movement between separation and unity with their primary caregiver, most probably mother (what is new here?? and unmet projections).

To improve the “dance of intimacy” we need the knowledge the conscious understanding of new roles and new rules in modern marriage. Without this knowledge we live in illusion, which turns to hopeless despair.

With the knowledge and understanding, we find ourselves being people in process: men and women growing together, coming to incorporate new meaning in the intimate partnership of equals, partners discovering the meaning of marriage.

Love and blessings,

Miriam

The Courage To Forgive

Dear Miriam, 
I am so angry… I fight a lot, but how else can I undo injustice?
Nina

Dear Nina,

It seems to me that your ruling passion is justice. Your main strengths – fair judgment, readiness to fight for a better world – are fueled by a passion to fight wrongs. As a result, your inner life is tied up with an ongoing battle for justice. In my experience, all of the above characteristics show a person who is angry with their parents. We can live our lives being furious about being deprived as a child, treated unfairly, denied acceptance and nurturing. All of us know men who cannot marry or deeply relate to women, or women who feel that the boss is unfair, their mother-in-law is mean, her friends and relatives misuse her kindness… Talk to these people about their parents and you’ll find them infuriated over their mother’s lack of love, their father’s anger and withdrawal, and their favored siblings. They couldn’t write the wrongs in their childhood, but now, they’re ready to fight back.

Whatever the source of our anger, we are alert and ready to fight the wrongs done to us: the passion for justice creates a rage that can burn for an entire lifetime. We hold on to that fury, because it makes us stronger. Yes, justice makes us stronger, but the anger makes us sick. Rage erodes our bodies, our emotional lives, our thinking. When we hold on to our rage, we do more damage to ourselves than any of our enemies may have done to us. Rage makes us physically sick. I believe that when we are permanently angry, we expose ourselves to the possibilities of cancer, heart disease, ulcers, colitis, headaches, hypertension, and weakening of the immune system. Rage makes us emotionally ill: We pay for our ability to maintain anger from our capacity to love, to accept, to relate. We describe ourselves as being mad, we feel crazed and crazy. We forget out how relax, how to feel joy. But, worst of all, rage spreads and threatens every relationship we have, because they are all targets for our passion to right our wrongs.

Deep down, we know how much we allow it to get in our way. So, what can we do to let it go? If I were to tell you that there is a way to unburden your spirit of this load of madness you’ve been carrying around for so long… If I would promise you that you can heal, overcome your sense of deprivation, that you can restore the harmony in your life and bring back to your relationships a joy that you have forgotten was even there… Would you be willing to forgive? Decide to forgive. Decide to get the anger out of your way. If you are willing to work on the forgiveness, help is available. We can feel the pain, the hurt, and forgive anyway.

I know there are steps along the way that may be scary. To mention a few; we need to acknowledge the hurt, to heal the pain masked by anger. We need to acknowledge that most often, people who hurt us were acting not so much against us, but for themselves. This shift of understanding may be crucial for healing. We may try (if it’s possible) to communicate our anger, our pain, and forgiveness. We may be afraid and stumble over any or all of these things. Forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. Along the way, we can reclaim our joy, our health, our peace of mind… We can reclaim our lives.

Love,
Miriam

The Reality of Divorce

“She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after.” – The New Yorker Magazine, 1993

Does that sound like a fairy tail to you? Or maybe the near future? Do you know that half of our marriages each year are remarriages? Divorce and remarriage are as much a part of our reality today as the first-marriages and single life. Maybe it is time to realize that marriage and family are no longer synonymous: remarriage data* shows that within five years of divorce, about 90% of men and 80% of women marry again. Maybe it is time for all of us to accept the reality: If divorce cannot be avoided, it is wiser to accept it as one way to end unhappiness in marriage and then put our effort into keeping “divorced” parts of a family functional for the children involved; because the real consequences of any divorce affect them the most.

In this decade [1990’s], well over 50% of our children are, or will be a part of a divorce family. If we, as a society, are able to accept the reality and stop to see it as something pathological, these children would not be stigmatized, which in turn, would not negatively impact their sense of worth and security; their self-esteem, the foundation of all human activity, would not turn into self-doubt. In any divorce counseling, the question that should be addressed among the first is: “How can we, as parents, get through this process (from the decision to divorce, through the separation stage to the legal finalization of divorce to, hopefully, a new, bi-nuclear family structure) without destroying the present and future lives of our children?

In relationship counseling, it is often said that everyone we know would prefer to resolve things in a functional love relationship, than to dissolve them. It is often assumed that if a relationship crisis may be resolved without a divorce, that everyone will benefit. How can relationship counseling help to resolve the crisis? Let me list several ways which may be quite helpful for relationship problem resolution:

To formulate the current problem(s) clearly so that they may be deliberated upon – by voicing all the relevant concerns and contributing issues, and then presenting them in such a way as to pose the matter in the clearest possible terms.

To help clients (both individually, and as a couple) to see to it that due consideration is given to the points of view of everyone involved in this conflict – spouse, children, and any other significant persons. Even intelligent and sensitive people with the best intentions may suffer from “blind spots” that allow them to make excessive and unfair demands. Then, they are honestly surprised when their expectations provoke hostile reactions.

To direct attention to the consequences of their possible choices. It pays to emphasize not only the consequences of a particular action, but also equally real consequences of a particular inner, psychological action. We often forget that psychological decisions have definite effects on the conscious lives we live.

To encourage the dialogue between couples in counseling (versus two “unrelated” monologues that keep the couple stuck in an unproductive exchange). This dialogue is a form of exchange that involves formulating and maintaining one’s point of view, while being able to understand another.

All of the above can help establish communication and create a possibility of working through differences. If and when relationship counseling can not solve a crisis, usually the healthy, reality-conscious divorce decision follows: Spouses make a decision to end the marriage, but preserve the functional aspects of family, especially aspects concerning children.

We’re looking at obvious and alternative solutions, recognizing the reality of different and common grounds with the goal to create a mutually acceptable agreement of understanding in which life position of everyone involved is spelled clearly and honored in its own rights; mutually exclusive interests are acknowledged and possible solutions listed; children’s right to mother and father acknowledged and preserved to the fullest. We all understand that when that difficult decision is made, it is not the end of the process. It is the beginning of integrating a divorce into a new chapter of life. Hopefully, with a few lessons learned and a little less hostility, acceptance of the inevitable can come smoothly, so that we may forgive ourselves and each other. What do you think?

Love and blessings,
Miriam

If I Had Enough Time…

Dear Miriam, 
I wish I had more time:
I’d start my own business.
I’d take care of my health.
I’d change my life.
Love,
Hope

Dear Hope,

We are always right in our beliefs: Whatever you believe about time – that you are giving yourself time to do what you want to do, and therefore you are a success; or that time schedule pushes you through your daily life, and therefore you are a victim – you are right.

Let us ask ourselves a simple question: given a choice to do a difficult, but very desired work, or a simple, but not so desired one – what would we choose? The majority of us will choose the second option because it is easier. We will work on a more difficult task only if we are excited about it, and we will feel excitement about it only if it has meaning to us: if it leads to fulfillment of our desires. Put in simple words; we need to know what we want.

Time after time in my counseling office, I listen to my clients from all walks of life telling me, “I can do anything, if only… I could figure out what I want.”

Unless we have clearly defined ideas of what we want in life’s major areas,

personal life (spiritual, health, friends, hobbies, recreation);

career, education, income and finances;

love and family life;

home and community;

We do not feel in charge of our life and our time.

When we do not have our goals (priorities, desires) clarified, we give our time and energy to be used by those who do. Every one of us at some level knows what is important to us and what is our heart’s desire. It is just those dreams get forgotten, buried under problems and challenges of life. And we live knowing what we do not want. We live trying to avoid pain instead of pursuing joy and pleasure of meaningful life. It looks like we took a journey, but we forgot our destination.

Often, doubts and fears paralyze us because we are afraid the price will be too high; we will be alone out there. It is a belief that to attain our dreams we must give up something else (usually the love of significant people in our life). The very first fear we need to give up is that one. We need to understand deeply that it is essential to live our life meaningfully. Unfulfilled people sooner or later become resentful.

The toxicity of unlived life hardens our wrinkles, clogs our arteries, makes our significant others into intimate enemies, sooner or later. It is up to us to rediscover who we want to be, what we want to do, and what we deserve to have, and then we will be able to take charge with our life and our time.

To your dreams!
Love,
Miriam

How to Create Your Own Career

Dear Miriam, 
I have an associate degree in business. I work in a small business company as a processing manager. My salary is my means of supporting myself. I take classes in business administration in the community college and learn new and sometimes exciting concepts relating to business. However, I feel increasingly unsatisfied and unfulfilled at my 9-to-5 job. I feel stuck, unable to make a decision:
Go back to school?
Change my job? Work for a bigger company?
Start my own “small business”?
Any suggestions?
Barbara Q.

Dear Barbara,

The simplest and most popular answer to your questions would be “Do what you love and love what you do,” and money will follow. This expression refers to one of the most important challenges of our lives – discovering and pursuing our true purpose. In other words, we need to answer to ourselves the most fundamental question: What are we here to do?

It is only through discovering and fulfilling our purpose in life, through finding our true vocation, that life becomes meaningful and exciting, uniquely fits us, and brings creativity and joy into our very existence. We feel happy, energized, creative, and absorbed in our daily activities; and then our work day is not a 9-to-5 routine, but an integral part of our lives – our true vocation.

This step-by-step client-centered counseling process guides you to finding a fulfillment at work, through enabling you to take charge of your life and come from power instead of reacting; and finally, leads you to form goals for creating the future according to your inner vision. Together, we:

Explore your present situation;

Discover your true life purpose;

Set and achieve your goals;

Find and implement your definition of success;

Define and overcome your blocks to success;

Define your “money problem,” and identify ways to love what you do and do what you love by serving people with love and integrity.

This process is designed for anyone who has to make important life decisions – whether one is choosing a field, changing careers, trying to get more satisfaction out of work, starting one’s own business, reentering the job market or planning a new occupation for retirement. I would like to remind all of us of the beautiful and courageous words of Joseph Campbell, who himself was a living embodiment of pursuing true life purpose:

“If you do follow your bliss, you put yourself in a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and the doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”

Now, I hope you have some food for thought!

Miriam

P.S – After I finished this letter, these words came to mind. “There must be more to life than having everything.” – Maurice Sendak