Dear Miriam,
I am 28 years old and am in a committed relationship, but I am not completely sure if this is “real love” or just a romantic infatuation…
MC.
Dear MC,
It is not always easy to know quickly enough in the beginning stages of a relationship. However, some guidelines can be offered. Margaret Anderson, who was a well-known publisher, once said that “in real love, you want the other’s good. In romantic love, you want the other person.” In other words, romantic love has an element of sexual excitement. When you are together, it usually ends in intimacy. True love is not based on sex. It is the growth of friendship which makes sex so much more meaningful and, if you will, blissful. Passion does not have the confidence and trust that love has. Love is trust. You feel calm and secure. You feel connected.
Passion might involve you in things you may regret, but love will never lead you in the wrong direction. True love brings the best out of you; it elevates you, it lifts you, and you become better for it. Romantic love, passion, and infatuation have their ebb and flow, their ups and downs. We commonly refer to these experiences as “falling in love”. Dr. Gray’s notion that true love has it’s seasons seems very relevant here. In ‘spring’, we feel we will be blissfully happy forever. This resembles romantic love. Everything seems perfect, effortless, and harmonious. The difference comes in the ‘summer’ of love. In this time, we suddenly realize that we are not happy all the time. We realize that our beloved is human (not some God or Goddess). It is not what we believed love was like. We realize we need to put effort into a relationship. And this is the hard work of self-discovery, expanding our awareness and practicing self-discipline.
Following the notion of the “seasons of love”, we can say that ‘autumn’ of love brings both, the harvest of understanding and acceptance (of yourself and of your partner). This is a time of joy and fulfillment of mature love. And then, the ‘winter’ of love comes. Feeling secure in our primary relationship, we – all of the sudden – experience our unresolved pain. This is the time of personal growth, when we need to re-experience and embrace the pains and “necessary losses” of life. This is when we need to work on our personal growth. After healing ourselves through the ‘winter’ of love, we emerge once more into the ‘spring’ of love, with new hopes and new possibilities. Once the new springtime of love comes, we find ourselves ready to open our hearts once more to the blessings of life, to a successful relationship with ourselves and our partner; You will continue to grow in love.
Love and blessings on your journey,
Miriam