“She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after.” – The New Yorker Magazine, 1993

Does that sound like a fairy tail to you? Or maybe the near future? Do you know that half of our marriages each year are remarriages? Divorce and remarriage are as much a part of our reality today as the first-marriages and single life. Maybe it is time to realize that marriage and family are no longer synonymous: remarriage data* shows that within five years of divorce, about 90% of men and 80% of women marry again. Maybe it is time for all of us to accept the reality: If divorce cannot be avoided, it is wiser to accept it as one way to end unhappiness in marriage and then put our effort into keeping “divorced” parts of a family functional for the children involved; because the real consequences of any divorce affect them the most.

In this decade [1990’s], well over 50% of our children are, or will be a part of a divorce family. If we, as a society, are able to accept the reality and stop to see it as something pathological, these children would not be stigmatized, which in turn, would not negatively impact their sense of worth and security; their self-esteem, the foundation of all human activity, would not turn into self-doubt. In any divorce counseling, the question that should be addressed among the first is: “How can we, as parents, get through this process (from the decision to divorce, through the separation stage to the legal finalization of divorce to, hopefully, a new, bi-nuclear family structure) without destroying the present and future lives of our children?

In relationship counseling, it is often said that everyone we know would prefer to resolve things in a functional love relationship, than to dissolve them. It is often assumed that if a relationship crisis may be resolved without a divorce, that everyone will benefit. How can relationship counseling help to resolve the crisis? Let me list several ways which may be quite helpful for relationship problem resolution:

To formulate the current problem(s) clearly so that they may be deliberated upon – by voicing all the relevant concerns and contributing issues, and then presenting them in such a way as to pose the matter in the clearest possible terms.

To help clients (both individually, and as a couple) to see to it that due consideration is given to the points of view of everyone involved in this conflict – spouse, children, and any other significant persons. Even intelligent and sensitive people with the best intentions may suffer from “blind spots” that allow them to make excessive and unfair demands. Then, they are honestly surprised when their expectations provoke hostile reactions.

To direct attention to the consequences of their possible choices. It pays to emphasize not only the consequences of a particular action, but also equally real consequences of a particular inner, psychological action. We often forget that psychological decisions have definite effects on the conscious lives we live.

To encourage the dialogue between couples in counseling (versus two “unrelated” monologues that keep the couple stuck in an unproductive exchange). This dialogue is a form of exchange that involves formulating and maintaining one’s point of view, while being able to understand another.

All of the above can help establish communication and create a possibility of working through differences. If and when relationship counseling can not solve a crisis, usually the healthy, reality-conscious divorce decision follows: Spouses make a decision to end the marriage, but preserve the functional aspects of family, especially aspects concerning children.

We’re looking at obvious and alternative solutions, recognizing the reality of different and common grounds with the goal to create a mutually acceptable agreement of understanding in which life position of everyone involved is spelled clearly and honored in its own rights; mutually exclusive interests are acknowledged and possible solutions listed; children’s right to mother and father acknowledged and preserved to the fullest. We all understand that when that difficult decision is made, it is not the end of the process. It is the beginning of integrating a divorce into a new chapter of life. Hopefully, with a few lessons learned and a little less hostility, acceptance of the inevitable can come smoothly, so that we may forgive ourselves and each other. What do you think?

Love and blessings,
Miriam