Dear Miriam, 
I thought it would be better in my second marriage… but now, I think if you don’t accept yourself, changing partners doesn’t make a big difference. It’s the same all over again…
Tanya, 42, unhappily married… again.

Dear Tanya,

Your letter sadly repeats the truth that many marriage and family counselors encounter again and again: No skipping allowed – the second marriage picks up where the first left off. But, let’s start from the beginning. It is a well-known fact that marriages follow a sequence of stages. When one stage is successfully resolved, we proceed to the next. If a particular stage brings a lot of unresolved conflicts into a marriage, and we are unable to resolve them ourselves (or get help and renegotiate this “marital contract”), we find ourselves wishing for divorce – and quite often getting it – only to find ourselves even more miserable in our second marriage. Divorce statistics* demonstrate this point: 50% of first – and 61% of second-marriages end up in divorce. Let’s see how this all begins.

It all starts as a fantasy. Characterized by romance, feeling exempt from all problems of every other member of the human race. Both partners try their best in carrying out the myth that their marriage is a perfect union between two not-so-perfect partners, who will be made whole and perfect by this union. This usually lasts between 1-3 years. Next; negotiation and compromise – a stage that takes up years 2-7 of a relationship. The alluring fantasy that your spouse will take care of all your needs is over. Often, the emotional power-struggle begins when two complex individuals try to be self-sufficient while maintaining close attachment to each other. You begin to negotiate and compromise: your negotiations aimed to persuade your spouse to change – in the end, leaving you resentful.

Then comes the reality struggle (years 5-10). Now, most of the fantasies are over and both of you come to realize that your spouse is not going to change much, if at all. You struggle to accept the other’s limitations, and realize that he or she cannot live up to your ideal. One of the difficulties of this stage is working toward a “shared reality”, reconciling his and her issues. Children are usually a part of the family by now. Their upbringing and additional financial issues add stress to this stage. Separate realities, as well as common reality testing and acceptance characterize significant resolution of this stage.

Decisions, decisions (years 10-15)… What would happen if you came to understand all of these realities (yours, the other’s, the neutral side), but you decide you don’t really like it that much? By now, you’ve accepted the fact that your partner is not going to change a lot. Can you live with it? Are you willing to change to stay married? You are an adult now (in or close to mid-life)… Is this marriage forever? It may be scary. You bought the new house, can you handle that mortgage? Now a baby is here, – do you really want another? Your parents need emotional support… are you ready for it? Decisions, decisions… and a lot of stress! As if this wasn’t difficult enough, the most troublesome stage of marriage is upon us (years 12-17); the stage of separation. In a nutshell: the couple either needs to split up or settle down and learn to be together again.

Love,
Miriam

* Statistics accurate at time of original publication.